#i wont. i still love her to death. but if she can kick me out with impunity I can get her fired

[cinemacrypt]

Weeping sobbing shitting my dick WHY DID I MOVE IN WITH A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST

[ariseur]

How do you think Arthur Morgan would react to a reader who has a great connection with animals? The reader knows how to calm animals, from horses to pigs and chickens, she also ensures that the animals have a good food and she will always be seen with a cat or a dog in her arms.

animal whisperer 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

arthur morgan x reader

┊ ˚➶ notes ｡˚ 🎼

this request was sooo cute!! sorry it took me a little while to complete it, i’ve been working on like fifteen different drafts at once !! 💗

┊ ˚➶ warnings ｡˚ 🎼

mentions of animals ( dogs, cats, horses ), mentions of arthur getting bucked off of his horse 😭, intended lowercase, lmk if i missed anything!!

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄

❥ let me start this off by saying that i think arthur would literally adore you and your presence. like, he already thinks you’re such a beautiful lady and that you’re amazing within your own, but seeing you so domestic with animals does something to him.

❥ arthur’s lived a hard life, he’s calloused and struggles with letting himself enjoy some of the nicer moments in life alone. but when he finds you, it feels like all of the toughness that everybody sees melts away. all he wants is you, and now that’s he’s experienced the feeling of you, he never wants to let that go

❥ if you have a more curt and blunt nature to yourself, but you just melt around animals? oh, man— he’ll do anything to see that side of you. whenever it slips out and he sees you care so much for the horses or actually supply them with hay bales and proper necessities, his eyes will always follow you curiously

❥ and even if you’re a super sweet and outwardly kind person, he’ll still adore you!! he thinks it’s cute how you care so much for animals even if he wont say it to you, he has a fondness for animals too— except it’s more so updating his compendium and hunting them rather than taking them under his wing and feeding them 😭

❥ if you have a dog, he will love that baby to death let me tell you. doesn’t matter if they’re mangy or a mutt or even purebred, he will love them regardless. if we’re going based off what dogs you can get in rdo, i think he’d get along with a chill bigger dog— but even if your dog was energetic or more on guard like a chesapeake bay retriever or a labrador retriever, he will still adore them. i can just imagine arthur with a little guard dog by his side walking through camp as it follows him everywhere. having a dog will probably make him remember his old dog copper as he tells you tales of his journeys with him at night while rubbing your dog behind the ear as it lays its head on his lap.

❥ arthur’s not really a cat person but he won’t mind if you have one!! cats are very independent and he understands that so he’ll give them their space until one day they just like.. drape themselves over his lap and he has no idea what to do. he feels bad if he stands up but like.. he doesn’t know what else to do 😭

❥ and while i’m writing this i’m thinking of how in the game, micah would literally kick the crap out of cain in rdr2 and would scold him for no reason :(((. let me just say that arthur would literally not stand for that ( and yes i only write for high honor arthur, but i feel like regardless of his honor he wouldn’t be okay with it either way ). also why am i imagining micah getting bit or scratched and arthur just like laughing at him— like even him and your animal share a look because do you see this utter buffoonery? micah’s more of an animal than anyone if we’re being honest

❥ if you don’t like seeing him hunt or watching him skin animals, then he’ll suggest you turn away or he’ll point out something in the distance ( probably another cute animal prancing around or something ), and if it’s something small like a rabbit or a bird then it’ll be done in no time and he’ll redirect your attention back to him, jumping back on his horse and saying you guys should continue on with your journey

❥ if you need him to stop by to get any necessities or food for the animals at camp, he’ll stop by on his way back and get them the proper things they need. if you thank him, he’ll just brush it off and say it’s no problem— ( he was like two counties away but he’d gladly go back if you needed him to do so ).

❥ in summary, i feel like arthur would do really great with a partner with pets or a love for animals in general. he doesn’t get the fascination too much but he’ll support you nonetheless, as long as you don’t get hurt trying to pet something that looks cute when it’s not lmfao.

❥ holy crap i need jelp whyisa rthjrorhajgan so fne

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈ ｡ﾟ

“shh.. calm down, boy.” with your hands held out cautiously, you slowly approached ARTHUR’s bucking horse— the tennessee walker’s chestnut coat glimmering in the sun as it shone on its back. its alarmed neighs filled the air with only the distant rushing of water to accompany it, along with arthur’s huffs behind you as he caught his breath.

“‘s alright.” you cooed at the horse, waiting until its breaths slowed down slightly before you moved closer. your arms slowly extended out to reach his snout, his eyes widened and looking everywhere but you. you softly shushed as you halted your movements. your hand hovered over the white of his proboscis before finally placing a gentle hand on its nose, feeling its heavy breathing upon your arm.

“i still dont— fff.. get how you.. do ‘at.” arthur wheezed, bent over with his knees supporting him as he placed firm hands on them. he let out a breathy laugh, tipping his head up so you could catch a glimpse of his eyes under the brim of his hat. “i dunno what he even gotten spooked over.” he shook his head, watching as you pulled out a small carrot from your pocket and carefully fed it to his horse who munched on it in delight.

you didn’t pay him a glance as you were enveloped in the tenessee walker instead, smiling as you replied, “probably just somethin’ in the grass.”

“fair ‘nuff.” he shrugged, brushing himself off before placing a hand on his back while he winced. arthur sucked some air between clenched teeth as he struggled to stand upright. “think he got somethin’ in my back, too.” with a string of muttered curses, he hunched over once again.

your head turned this time, still focused on giving small pats to the horse’s nose as you tilted your head. brows furrowed, you asked, “need me to get you something from outta town?”

“naw, ‘s fine—“

“arthur, i was heading out that way already,” you pointed a thumb behind you— leading his vision to your horse stationary in the distance, tapping its hooves against the ground as it waited. he looked back at you as you held a gentle smile on your face and continued, “i don’t mind stoppin’ for something.”

arthur sighed, his fingers still kneading his lower back as he let out an occasional groan.

he let the silence take hold on the situation for a second, contemplating his options. letting his fingers twist and grab at the grass beneath him— his eyes flickered between the two horses, and then finally back to you. realizing it wouldn’t make a difference and you’d probably get it anyway, he waved a dismissive hand around and finally nodded his head.

“yeah, sure.”

𐙚 taglist ; @maskedteaser

[lateleviathan]

just finished pretty cure splash star and goddamn did this show stick the landing. the whole season really just felt like the writers saying "okay we've done this twice already, we know what we're doing now"

(info dump below the cut)

basically every aspect of the show was refined from futari wa and max heart, especially the fights. the fights in futari/max could be good but they tended to have the problem of nagisa and honoka just whipping out the marble screw whenever they wanted and winning instantly, making every fight feel like this.

(there were exceptions, like the final fight against poisony where she kept dodging so they had to use her hair as conductor to finally hit her. that fight impressed me so much its permanently burned into my brain).

splash star sidesteps this question almost completely by always having saki and mai be winning BEFORE they use their finisher. they have to create an opening or the splash blast wont hit, which makes each episode's monster of the week fight that much more interesting. (though in the second half of the show they do have a similar problem with their super forms, where moop and foop sometimes just forget they exist to be power ups until the writer decides pretty cure is done getting their asses kicked, making every other fight feel like this)

the villain minions were also consistently interesting, as opposed to futari wa where the first set of villains were interesting but the set in the second half were boring as hell, or max heart where the villains were better than the second half of its predecessor but still pretty boring for the most part. it also helped that the villains were rolled out one at a time and were the only threat until they were killed, at which point the heroes could restore one of the fountains. this really helped to give the series a sense of progression because something tangible was being accomplished every 7 or so episodes. futari wa had this in the first half with the prism stones, but completely lacked that in the second half. max heart tried to do this with the heartiels but they were so disconnected from the villains that they felt more like a side plot as opposed to like the point of the show. it also made it fun when the last batch of episodes had them all revive and team up and we finally got to see how they played off of each other as teammates. that bossrush finale really let splash star have its cake and eat it too in that regard.

also michiru and kaoru are just a way better version of kiriya, like that whole plot was just so much more thought out and satisfying. i still have no idea whats going on with kiriya after his "death" but michiru and kaoru had me crying in the last episode. their addition to the team in the last 8 episodes really felt like practice for the bigger group fight the franchise would focus on going forward, and you can tell from the choreography that they didn't really know what to do with double the heroes. thankfully they figured it out for the final battle. (awkward team choreography pictured below)

speaking of, goddamn those last 2 episodes really were just dragon ball z with magical girls, down to the big bad growing super muscley when he powers up to 100%. this is not a complaint, in fact its high praise that they did this while still feeling congruent with the rest of the show. honestly, i was on the edge of my seat the whole time. like max heart's finale blew me away and i think this was at least on par with that.

all that said, i do think saki and mai are weaker characters than nagisa and honoka. i dont hate them, in fact i grew to love them and am sad to see them go, but they still didnt quite measure up.

for mai it doesn't feel like she gets a lot to do outside of being saki's friend. like she joins the art club but thats only relevant in two maybe three episodes, as opposed to honoka's science club which probably had 6 or more episodes per show (though maybe im misremembering). i thought her being an artsy girl as opposed to honoka's stem girl swag would help differentiate the two, and her art in general does come up often enough, but she still plays the smarter, quieter one next to saki so it doesn't really change much of the protag pair's dynamic.

saki feels even more like nagisa, basically all their personality traits are identical. sporty, big eaters, has the obligatory straight crush, kinda dumb but social and fun. really the biggest difference is that saki isnt as good at her chosen sport (and i love that her team loses the championship, great episode, but even getting to the championship makes this distinction smaller). i like her obligatory hetero crush slightly more if only because it gets less attention than nagisa's, with i think only three dedicated episodes (that said, he should have had a girlfriend instead of it being a fakeout. they dont actually get together anyway and it would have made a good pair with the championship episode for the theme of "you dont always get what you want but thats okay").

still i think splash star was a stronger show overall than futari wa or max heart. i think those first two had a few higher highs, but splash star had less lows. its more consistently good.

so if you for some reason read all this but haven't watched Pretty Cure Splash Star, i definitely recommend it if you enjoy kids' shows. honestly its probably even better if you haven't watched the original futari wa pretty cure, since my main complaints were it not differentiating itself enough from its predecessors.

now to see how yes precure 5 stacks up

[lunaekalenda]

Can you do a Levixfem reader

Where the reader “dies” In his arms on a expedition and he had to leave the body and turns out you were alive but outside the walls and the next expedition they find you. And when that get back in the walls together they get there freak on if you know what I mean😏. Thanks so much!🥰❤️

okay! i’ll try my best <3 ! i hope you like it! <3 it turned out kinda romantic aaaa

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levi x fem!reader

w: death mentions, fake death (?), slight nsfw in the end (really vanilla it's most centered on the feelings :D). No Regrets war flashbacks, some snk spoilers. mention of blood.

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“Y/N” Levi’s tears are falling from his face to your skin. Nobody has seen the captain so broken, crying in the middle of an expedition, hugged to your body. He caresses your skin. “Love, please, wake up...” he asks in a whisper, his voice breaking while he keeps crying. “Please.”

Levi feels Erwin’s hand on his shoulder, calling him. “Levi, we have to go!” Erwin says. Levi can’t take his eyes away from your beautiful face, how your closed eyes are never going to shine with that love they always do. Erwin shakes his shoulder harder. “Come on, Levi!!” he yells. Levi takes your body on his arms, but Erwin stops him. “What the hell are you doing?” Levi hugs you closer, tears falling from his eyes again.

“I’m not gonna leave her behind.” He says, his husky tone serious, as if he wanted to say to Erwin that leave you behind isn’t an option. Because you’re only asleep. 

Right?

“She’s dead, Levi. Dead. Leave her. We can’t lose you because you’re carrying a body.” Erwin’s words hit him. Dead... Dead is a word Levi hates. Because it is always followed by the name of someone he loves or cares for. His mom. Isabel. Gunter. Petra. You.

“No. She’s...”

“Leave it, Levi. You don’t want more people to die, don’t you?”

That’s true. He needs to be on his full capacities to defend the trope. He looks around, to a place where he can leave your body, knowing the titans will never take it. He easily founds a tree that has a hollow trunk, with a small slot through which it can slide you inside. He leaves you there, along with a bottle of water, in case you’re still alive. He kisses your forehead. “I’ll come back for you, love. I promise.”

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You wake up inside a tree hours after. You feel dizzy and your head hurts a lot. There’s a little bottle of water near you, and, needing it, you open it fast, drinking. You can hear a man’s voice inside your head. “Drink slowly, dummy. It will make you feel worst.” You don’t know who does that voice belong to, when it sounds so familiar. You can’t also recognize the place, looking through the slot. You’re dressed in your military clothes, and you still have your swords with you. Your light brown jacket is covered in blood. You start to recover some memories. The expedition. The titan that sent you away with his hand. Levi yelling your name.

Levi. Levi.

All your thoughts were back to him. Is he okay? Why did him leave you on a tree? Did something happen to him and he decided to hide you? Maybe he hide you for a moment and never came back?

You’re feeling anxious just with the thought. It has to be a normal reason. He’s okay for sure, and he will be back as soon as possible.

“No” Erwin’s voice is clear. Levi clicks his tongue again.

“I have to go back for her...”

“Levi, there’s nothing you can do for her now.” Hange says. Even when them wanted to accompany Levi -they were sure they could capture some good titans.- They didn’t want to disobey the Commander. “We wont make another expedition just for a body. I know it hurts, but let it go.”

“Fine. I’ll go by myself.” he says, getting up. “I don’t need anyone to go to the nearest fucking tree and come back.” He leaves the office, slamming the door. Erwin sighs.

“Hange, tell the 104 Special Squad to accompany their captain.”

It was afternoon when Levi was prepared to leave, but he found his squad on the wall’s door.

“What are you all doing here? Go back training, brats.” he says, getting on his horse.

“The Commander told us to accompany you, Captain.” Jean says, adjusting his jacket.

“We’re here to help you, to bring her back inside.” Eren smiles softly. That words make Levi change his opinion. He sighs.

“Be careful and don’t leave my side, right?” They part towards the door, and they leave. The camp is quiet after the extermination of the day before. Connie looks around.

“Do you think we will find her alive?” he asks in a whisper. Levi hears that, but he ignores it. Even when he knows it’s almost impossible to find you alive. They walk silently towards the tree where he left you. He runs quickly, leaving his horse with the squad, as they keep a distance. In part, because they want to pay respect. 

Levi’s heart breaks when he sees the empty trunk. There’s nothing inside, even the bottle isn’t there. He made sure to leave you somewhere they couldn’t find, but they did anyway. They found you. They didn’t let him say goodbye to you. 

Levi kneels in front of the tree, tears running down his face again. He wants to be strong, but he can’t. He has lost you. The most important person in his life.

You drink again before putting the bottle near the river, taking more water. You stand up with difficulty and walk towards the tree slowly, giving secure steps. You’re feeling dizzy yet, but you needed to drink. You know Levi will came back for you, and that’s why you walk back to your hiding place. You see horses when you’re getting closer. Horses and brown jackets. And, when you’re just a couple steps far from them, you see him, kneeled in front of your tree.

“Levi...” you whisper. He’s alive and he’s there. He came back for you. “Levi.” you say, stronger. Jean and Eren turn around. They see you, covered in blood and pale, but alive. Jean runs towards you and he helps you to walk. “Levi.” That’s the only thing you can say. 

Levi is used to listen to his loved ones voices once they had left this world. That’s why hearing you whispering his name isn’t something new for him.

“Captain!” Instead, Eren’s voice sounds clear. “We found her!” the smile can be heard on his voice. Levi wants to kick his ass for joking in a moment like this, but he faces you when he turns around. As beautiful as always, you’re supported by Eren and Jean, and they are making sure you’re not falling. Levi stands up as fast as he can, and he hugs you. You can feel his tears on your shoulder as he feels yours on his. He caresses your hair quietly, hugging your body stronger against his. “You’re here.” he whispers. You nod, sobbing. You have missed him, you have feared for him.

“You’re okay.” you say. He answers you with a kiss on your hair.

“I’m sorry, love. They made me leave you here. I knew it was bad, but I... I.” his sobs doesn’t let him talk. You caress his back, trying to calm him.

“It’s fine.” You whisper. After a couple minutes trying to calm each other, Sasha talks.

“Why don’t we resume this beautiful moment inside the walls? I don’t want to end being wedding catering for a titan.” They all nod. Levi helps you to get on top of his horse, and he sits behind you. There, caged between his arms and feeling his heartbeat against your back, you feel safe again.

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“I’m sorry.” he says. The doctor has just left the room, saying that you only injured a little bit your leg and your head is healing well. You’re on Levi’s bed, the one you usually sleep on. He sits near you and kisses your forehead. “I’m sorry for leaving you behind.” he says. He thought that, once you knew he left your body there, you would be mad.

“We’re soldiers, Levi.” you say. “Sadly, we can’t take all the bodies with us. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for the others.” you say. You understand Erwin’s decision and Levi’s pressure. You’re soldiers, after all.

Levi combs a lock of your hair with his fingers, softly. “I was so scared... I couldn’t close an eye during the night. I only could think about you.” he says. You smile softly at him. “I was terrified.” You attract him towards your body, hugging him. “I’m sorry, love, I’m so sorry...” you try to calm him with caresses and sweet kisses in his head. “I feel like you’re an illusion, that you’re just a product of my imagination playing with me.” he says. He takes his head out of your chest. “Maybe I lost you and that’s why you’re here? To comfort me?” 

You take his hand, sneaking it into your t-shirt, placing it near your heart. His eyes shot open when he feels your pulse against his palm. “I’m here. And I’m real, Levi. I’m the Y/N you always hug. I’m the same. I’m alive.”

His lips search yours in a kiss. He wants more proofs. He wants to make sure you won't disappear when he blinks. He needs to make sure. His hand is still in your shirt, but he isn't searching more. He needs to know you want the same, that you feel good enough. He feels your hands attracting him closer, pulling by the neck of his shirt. He sighs.

Kisses and mixed breaths. He looks at you when you part for air, his chest rising fast, his hands playing with the end of the t-shirt you're wearing. His eyes looking at yours, asking for permission. You nod quietly, looking at him in the eyes, making sure he understands you want this. His hands take off your shirt, admiring every single scar on your body, every mole and every birthmark. Making sure every one of them is in the same place it was, that your body is still the same he remembers. That they are all your little details he loves to admire.

For your surprise, he leans on and kisses every one of them. Every single thing that makes your skin special. You blush at it, but he doesn't care. He's showing without words how much he adores you, how much he cares for you. The affection and love behind every kiss is overwhelming. Your hands are fast unbuttoning his white shirt. He lets the fabric slide down his shoulders once you're done. Feeling his skin against yours is one of your favorite sensations.

There aren't too many words while he keeps kissing every inch of your body, taking away the fabrics that obstacle him. You can only think of him, of how cold his skin is, how good he feels and how much you've missed him, even for just a day. Because when you didn't know how he was, it felt like whole centuries. He lets out a sigh when he gets under the sheets with you, being careful to not cause you pain, standing on his arms on top of you. He smiles, a true smile when you tangle your fingers with his. His grey eyes have a mix of a lot of feelings: love, apology, desire, happiness... they're like storms. You feel his tender touch on your thighs, guiding them. You follow his movements, obeying him.

"Take advantage because I won't be so obedient next time." you joke. He chuckes quietly, and it warms your heart. He smiles so widely after that... You feel so good just watching him. He takes a hand down, fingers probing down your body, making sure you're ready. He chuckles again when your amused expression changes after a single finger touch.

His name comes out of your mouth like a praise. When he touches you, when he buries in you, when he quietly kisses you. You mind and body has his name tattooed while he sets a pace against you, slow but intense. Levi's low praises make your body search him more desperately. When his pace starts to fail and his hips move without any patron against yours, you let out his name again.

"Say it again." he asks. Hearing your name come that easily from your lips makes it even more real. More intimate. "Please." his voice isn't more than a low whisper now, mixed with sighs. He smiles when you say his name again, pushing against you a last time. He lets his head rest on your chest, your quick heartbeat against his ears. He tries to calm his breath. "I love you. I love you so much." he says. "I'll never leave you behind."

You smile, your fingers running through his hair with tenderness. "I know. I know, Levi." you whisper. His eyes feel heavy after the nervous night he passed yesterday, so he acomodates himself by your side, his bare body near yours. You feel his lips on your shoulder.

"And thanks for always coming back for me, no matter what"

[4shfur]

alitm was such a book idk if i can fit all my thoughts into one post im on mobile and it wont let me put the little red more things so this is your warning, i have the post tagged but still, be warned there are major spoilers for alitm

anyways i loved alitm this may not be a popular opinion but i thought it was amazing and a perfect end to the series. it fucking broke me oh my god. on one hand it was amazing writing and i loved it ON THE OTHER HAND WHY DID THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT THAT SAD.

bristlefrost im so sorry i ever said anything bad aboutyou you are the paragon of perfection, the best cat in the whole world and i hope they name 50 cats after you.

i want to imagine bristlefrosts death ended up sort of like the epilogue of firewing. she wont be in starclan but shes still there in spirit and shes always watching over the clans. i am 100% sure she knew that rootspring was willing to chabge clans for her, i think they both did and GODAMNIT THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY AND HAD KITS. i have cried 5 times since i read it. her death scene was beautiful, so poetic and i loved it and i hated it. BUT THEY KEPT ON PILING ON THE GRIEF. its tearing me to shreds to think tht shes not even in starclan, she gave up her life, her spirit, and her future with rooyspring to save the clans and for that she has earned a place in my favorite warriors cats.

shadowsight also was great this book, im so happy about how everything was tied up at the end, i was worried the erins wouldnt do it but i thought it was great and im so glad shdowisght can just move on.

graystripes death was sad but also im so glad he gets to be with his family again, he and firestar were so gay this book. speaking of firestar im so glad they brought back his personality from the first arc. he kicked darkstripes ass and he kicked it good. im so glad they brought back how his main perosnality traits were 1. loved violence and 2. really fucking petty and nosy

also i am convinced. I AM CONVINCED. that the scene at the end where rootspring tries to reach bristlefrost and sees the image of them under a willow tree? and with their kits? and runjing through the forest? thats bristlefrost. it has to be. it cant just be a coincidence that she also imagined them under a willow tree, and with three kits, and running through the forest. it cannot be.

im sorta disappointed that snowtuft didnt get a proper death scene, but it was cool that we got to see other dark forest cats. i thought ashfur was a really great villain still, and i LOVED the scene where needletsil and violetshine beat the shit out of darktail. he totally deserved it.

im sad squirrelflight wasnt in the final battle though. the speech graystripe gave from her was great but also i think she shoulve given it herself.

im so happy theyre changing the code, its long overdue. i think the lesson of this book is that bristlefrost is the best and everyone should love her. she should have been on the cover. bramblestar barely even showed up

i loved her sacfrifice, it really was worth it and it was beautifully written, but also im getting way to worked up over this and im fucking miserable that shell never gt to see that it was her who saved the clans, it was her determination that inspired dark forest cats to fight on their side, and it was her loved with rootspring that encouraged them to change the code. shes so wonderful and i loved her so much. bristleforts is the only warrior cat ever.

over all 12/10 just for bristlefrost. i might follow up on this post

[bloodycassian]

COLD NIGHTS - Cassian x Azriel x Reader - Prompt: 

hi i love your work so much!!! I was thinking a cassian x azriel x reader (i just love them sm, why have one when you can have two ) where the reader is sister of a high lord maybe day or winter court, and reader goes missing (kinda angsty) and her brother (a high lord) panics and goes to the night court for help (bc if her two bat boys can’t find her who will)  and az and cassian go full on panic mode and search for the reader, i was also thinking a fluffy cute ending where reader is just cuddling with azriel and cassian while her wounds heal take as much time as you need to write this, don’t pressure yourself. Take care lovely

Kallis would never forget the screams. The terror and panic that rushed through him when he realised that you were gone.  He sent half the city to search for you. He called upon Helion to inspect the magic. He was frantic in finding you. But it was like you had just disappeared out of nowhere. No sign of struggle, not a drop of blood spilled. The offender was sloppy in their ways, but their magic was strong. Helion could sense it.  They had a deathwish from Kallis himself if he ever found them. +  The first thing you saw were your cracked and bloody hands. They were split open from the dry cold wind. Sea air drifted into the cave. The cold brutal howling outside mixed with the roar of waves breaking confirmed your nightmares. Cape Tragedy. 

The islands off the coast of winter were known for their unforgiving nature to ships. Hence their name, Cape Tragedy. Also known as the Tragic coast, no stories were ever heard of any survivors of those crashes. If they had managed to survive the churning water, then the false salvation of the islands would kill them. It happened often enough that there were lighthouses set atop many of the bigger islands for ships to avoid on stormy days.

You coughed from the dry air, earning a pair of yellow eyes to dart to you. One of the three lesser fae males noticed you were awake and clapped. "She wakes! We've been waiting for you, sweetheart." His green skin was pale in the overcast light streaming in from the mouth of the cave. Snow Bear pelts lay all around. A disgrace in your culture. No citizen of Winter court would do such a thing. You looked to the walls to find weapons, and strange markings along the stone. Sailors from far away lands. 

Not even sailors. Pirates. A chill ran through you.  

"We're going to get your weight in gold, pretty one." The scaled male curled a piece of your hair behind you ear. Your stomach turned, and you tried to scoot away. "My brother will kill you first. And he'll take a long time doing it." You promised, trying to make your voice sound strong. Terror had you by it's grip though, and it was hard to do anything other than panic

. "Your brother? The pretty one that shears the Elk?" The green one asked. You laughed, and then were hissing in pain when the scaled male yanked on your hair. "What's so funny?" 

"You think my brother is an elk herder?" You spat "You must be dumber than you look." The males glanced between each other, then to the one who hadn't said anything yet.

"Who ye think you are then?" The male holding your hair stammered, trying to keep his panic under wraps. 

"Kallis' sister." You said with deadly calm. "And the high lord does not negotiate." 

"If you're so noble why you got such a mouth on ye?" The third male finally spoke.

They laughed.

"Maybe we will see just how much of a mouth-" He started again. He didnt have a chance to finish his disgusting words. You kicked, bending an ice spear straight up from the rocky ice floor and through the third male's body. Then the beating from the other two came. 

They bound your wrists and ankles in rope and tar. Their hands shook when they did it. It gave you a small bit of satisfaction. The potion they gave you to knock you out was just barely strong enough. You fought it as best you could, but it won. You could only hear the faint sounds of arguing then a crash of glass, then the cold winds whipping around you. And when you woke, your body ached.  The cold bit into your limbs. Your fingers were pale. Far too pale to be healthy. You knew frostbite when you saw it. Your body refused to move under your own power. Your blood was frozen to the icy ground. They had used a potion and transported you to a peninsula, and you could only faintly hear the ocean below. You could feel the potion wearing off, but you knew you weren't healing. Not yet. You reached down into your own mind, picking up the fading tendrils of power. Of your bond to the two you knew could save you. And you pulled as hard as you could manage.  --- "Fuck." The roaring thought shook Cassian awake. Bleary eyed, he glanced about the room as if there was someone actually shouting at him.  Then he felt it. The weak tug that had been silent for so long. And he knew it was nothing good. Frenzied, he met Azriel at the dining area. Where they spent the rest of the night planning, deducing a probable reason for you to be calling so weakly. They sent their worries to Rhys, but they were shooed away. "I'm researching. Meet me in the library at dawn." The two males tried to comfort each other. But the worry pulsating through the bond was too much to focus on. So they waited. Kallis appeared that morning. He spat his story and begged for help, practically in tears as he spoke to the three Illyrians. Cassian and Az knew something was wrong the moment you were attacked. Court laws forbade them interfering on Winter Court territory though.  As soon as the approval was given, the brothers winnowed to the border of Winter and started flying. + You were coming to terms that you would die in the cold. You had imagined death differently. Battle was the primary way you thought you'd die. Or at the end of a High Lord's magic for being too much of an advisor. Smiling at the memory of putting Tamlin in his place, you gave another tug down the bonds to your mates. And like a snap, they both tugged back. Almost in unison. It was hard to tell. You closed your eyes, listening to the soft waves below. They lulled you into a cold sleep yet again.  + Despite the cold, the Illyrians flew as fast as they could. They could sense your light fading, and chased it for mile after mile. Their wings cut through the harsh winter winds, fueled by rage and desperation. Then they spotted the dark figure frozen to the snow below. Cassian landed first, a few feet away. The ice cracked beneath him. "Get us out of here." He growled to Azriel.  "We need to make sure she's okay before we move."  Cassian growled, but didn't protest. Azriel understood. He felt the anguish and frustration through the shared bond. Az's hands pressed gently to your neck, checking your pulse. He swore. "Baby, we need you to wake up for us. We're here. We got you." Cassian put a hand to your cheek and fought back the tears that threatened.  You groaned in response. They both sighed in relief, their breath making clouds in front of them. "I'm stuck..." You managed through your stiff jaw.  Cassian stroked a thumb over your cheek. "Stuck? Honey you're-"  "Cas..." Azriel nodded to your side, to the ice that crept its way up your damp clothes. Azriel could have taken a very very long time torturing the beasts that did this to his mate. The rage coiled in his gut at the sight of your injuries. The only reason you hadn't bled out was the blood and water mix turning your wounds to ice.  Cassian pulled at the ice web that encapsulated you. Under the heat of his rage it broke, and broke and broke. Azriel placed small patches of his shield over your frostbitten fingers. "We're gonna get you out of here. Just stay still." Azriel smoothed back your hair, and darkness swirled over you. The change from the harsh overcast light of Winter court to the soft sun of Night court was jarring.  Madja put her hands on you and you were asleep in an instant. Her warm hands were a blessing from the Mother.  +  "She's lucky she has that Winter blood in her or she'd be dead." Madja wiped her hands off and handed both the Illyrians a small vial. "That is the scrap from a poisoned sword that broke off in her shoulder. I got all the pieces out, but the poison lingers. It may heal slowly, but it should get better."  Anguish burned both of their stomachs. Azriel's throat tightened and he looked away, but gripped the vial tightly. Cassian stared at it, his eyes murderous. Madja left without another word. "She was almost killed. And we couldn't do anything." Cassians' voice was low, with violence dripping from it. "We need her here. In Velaris where we can... watch her." He didn't know what he was saying, but the instinct to protect was overriding every other logical thought he had. Anger burned and burned in his stomach, swallowing him with rage. He could feel Az mirroring the same feeling, but with a cold deadliness that begged to simmer out of him.  "You know she wont go for that. She loves her home too much. Her brother." Azriel whispered back. "We're her mates. She should be with us." Cassian was looking for a fight. All the tension and anger of the day had to be worked out. Azriel felt it too. His shadows ran anxiously through the room.

The wind outside howled. It shifted the dark clouds that covered the moon. It seemed to be a cold day in all of Prythian. A cold day in your mates hearts to the pirates that had taken you. They spoke their rage mind to mind, imagining the ways to torture the bastards. 

How to find them would be the first priority. Azriel kept circling back to that part. + The healer cleared his throat at the door. "She's asking for you." He nodded to Rhys' brothers. They left Rhys behind in unison, walking in perfect step with each other. Their minds hummed together over that bond they shared with you. "Protect protect protect." They both seemed to demand.  Azriel knocked softly, his heart flipping when he heard your voice again. "Get in here." You demanded, giving them a broad smile when they practically shoved each other out of the way. 

"Come keep me warm." You weakly folded the blanket back, exposing some of the bruising on your skin. 

They complied with enthusiasm. Azriel's hands were cold at first, but they got better when he reached around you to hold Cassian closer. They worked in tandem to keep you covered, making sure that you weren't too crowded or too warm. Azriel summoned his cool shadows when you got too warm and had to kick the blankets off. Cassian's warm breath would keep you warm when they became too much. You traced Azriel's cheekbones, the sharp edge of his jaw while falling alseep. Cassian's muscled forearms hugging you from behind were like a heavy pillow. 

"Rest now, we can have more fun later." Az winked, making your stomach flutter. Cassian groaned and pulled you further to his lap. You tried not to think of the hardness that pressed to you now.  "Goodnight." The shadowsinger kissed your forehead and like a light, you were out. Finally resting peacefully wrapped between your two mates and their warm bond you all shared. 

[skiller0dani]

Intoxicated | Klaus Hargreeves

M A S T E R L I S T TUA Masterlist

smut | teen!klaus x teen!reader requests info w.c | 8.9k summary | you fell in love with klaus when you were teenagers. but after he continues to relapse, you lose faith that he will get clean. when you see him again as an adult, has anything changed?

The first time you properly met Klaus you were both around 17, and he was slumped against the wall of an alleyway. His face was bare of facial hair, and he looked far too boyish for a needle to be still in his arm. You were only out looking for him as a favor to Allison, whom you’d known since you were both children. You never paid much attention to Klaus, or any of her other siblings but after hours of incessant begging you’d finally agreed to go look for him. You still remembered her frantic voice over the phone.

“Please? If my Dad notices Klaus is gone he’ll lock him up in the Mausoleum to dry him out.”

You might not care much for Klaus or his drug habit, but you couldn’t just let Mr. Hargreeves lock him up so that ghosts can torment him while he sobers up. You know Allison is just protecting him, but you can tell even she is starting to lose faith in Klaus. It’s honestly sort of heartbreaking. But hopefully if you get him back in time, maybe you can get him sober enough to fool Mr. Hargreeves into thinking Klaus finally cleaned up.

“Klaus!” You rush to him immediately, carefully pulling the needle out of his arm. You tuck it into your bag so that Grace can help you and Allison figure out what Klaus took. You trust that Grace wont tell Mr. Hargreeves, the only thing more powerful than the programming is her desire to protect her children. His eyes are barely open when he smiles at you, his pupils blown wide open. You brush his hair out of his face, his palm twitching in yours as you take his hand to pull him to stand.

“Can you stand?” You ask him, watching as his arm limply falls from your hand.

“You’re not really here, you’ve never even looked at me twice…” Klaus mumbles through a slack jaw. That’s when his eyes roll back.

“Klaus?” You gently slap his cheeks, trying to get his attention. You sigh deeply, worried when you see his eyes roll again behind closed eyelids. Is he seizing? His body jerks once before sliding further down the wall. You know you can’t leave him here, but you also know that you need Luther to come get Klaus, you can’t move him.

“Please don’t move, I’ll be right back.” You say hurriedly, cupping his cheeks to force him to look at you. Klaus grunts in what you can only hope is an acknowledgement that he heard you before you’re standing and sprinting for the Academy. By the time you’d reached your destination and had delivered your convincing argument to Luther, it’d been 45 minutes. You lead the way back to Klaus praying to God that he was exactly where you’d left him, but you doubt it. Sure enough, when you turned the corner into the alley, Klaus was nowhere to be seen.

“Shit!” You cursed, a panicked glint in your eyes as you helplessly turned to Luther.

“Please help me find him.” You plead, grasping desperately onto his arm. Luther has what you can only describe as a scowl on his face as he turns to you.

“I’m not doing this again.” He snapped.

“What do you mean?”

“Getting invested in Klaus’s recovery, I’m not doing it again. Letting myself believe that he could get clean only leads to more disappointment when he eventually uses again.” You can see layers of old scars in his eyes, reflections of all the times Klaus has relapsed and let his siblings down.

“Luther I get it, really I do. But right now Klaus is God knows where, and when Reginald realizes-” The mention of his father causes Luther to stiffen considerably. Deep down Luther knows that Klaus wouldn’t have substance abuse issues if he didn’t spend half his childhood locked in that damn Mausoleum being tormented by the dead.

“Let’s just find him quickly.” You nearly celebrate when Luther finally relents but you don’t, instead you immediately start searching the surrounding streets and alleys in search of your resident junkie. You doubt Klaus could go very far, he’d been in really bad shape when you saw him last. He could hardly sit up let alone walk, did he crawl?

“Found him!” You hear Luther call, and when you turn you see Luther standing with Klaus slung over his shoulder at the end of the alleyway. Klaus has the hint of a smile on his face as Luther hauls him back, and you’d almost say Klaus looks entertained. Although, it could be the hallucinations making him smile like that. By the time you’d arrived back at the Academy, the mysterious needle you’d taken from Klaus’s arm earlier had been thoroughly tested by Grace.

“It’s heroin.” Allison’s shaky voice came from the doorway of Klaus’s bedroom. You turned to look at her, watching as nothing but anger fills her eyes.

“He promised me that he’d never done any hard drugs, he promised it was just weed and painkillers! And he’s injecting heroin?” You can tell that she really is hurt, you can see the betrayal in her eyes before she’s turning out of his room.

“Allison-”

“No, I won’t watch him slowly kill himself. In 2 weeks when we finally turn 18 he’ll be gone anyway. Don’t forget to invite me to his funeral.” She snaps, wiping her eyes before slamming his door shut. It was then that you’d decided not to give up on him, because the second everyone lost faith in him was the second they signed his death certificate. Loving an addict is harder than you would think, but you were willing to be Klaus’s person, so long as he was dedicated to getting better. If Klaus gives up on himself, then there’s no point. So you sat on the edge of his bed and used a rag to wipe away dried vomit on his face and neck, plus you dabbed at a closing gash on his head which was still bleeding a little.

“Y/N?” You hear him mumble, and when you look up at him again you see his eyes have cracked open. You brush his hair off his forehead, and the look in his eyes has your entire body heating up. It’s not a particularly provocative look, more of a hungry curiosity. There was still gentleness there, and a sincerity beneath it all. All his siblings have given up on him at this point, and deep down you think Klaus knows that. They’ve reached the point that the next time Klaus goes missing, they won’t look for him or even worse- they won’t even realize he’s gone. The thought breaks your heart.

“Hi.” You can’t think of anything else to say. Klaus reaches one hand up to wind into your hair, a sly smile crossing onto his face.

“Can’t say I remember the last time we properly spent quality time together.” He raises one brow, his hazel eyes twinkling mischievously.

“That’s because we never have.”

“What a shame.” The smug smile on his face makes your cheeks heat up embarrassingly. You feel all mushy in his presence.

“You have to get clean before Reginald gets home tomorrow.”

“Oh wouldn’t want to disappoint daddy dearest.” You can practically taste the sarcasm in his tone, but still he keeps that damn smile stretched across his face.

“He’ll lock you away if he finds out, stop pretending like this isn’t a big deal.” You sigh, standing to find him clean clothes. Klaus pushes himself onto his elbows, his head is swimming. The nausea twisting his gut is hard to ignore, but watching you bend over in those tight jeans has him ignoring the discomfort. He wouldn’t miss the show for anything.

“Enjoying yourself?” You ask him once you notice him staring. You use snarky comments to hide how flushed you are, how flustered you are from the heat in his gaze.

“Enjoying the view.” Is all Klaus says, and you know he can see how red your cheeks are. You shake your head as you toss clean clothes at him, quickly diverting your eyes when he begins to undress with you still in the room.

“Jesus, warn me next time!” You squeak as you turn your eyes to the ground when he tosses his dirty pair of tight jeans at you along with his shirt. You hear the zipper of his tight black jeans pull up and that’s when you decide it’s safe to look. When you eye him again, he’s sitting up on the bed pulling his shirt on over his head.

“What’s the fun in that?” Despite his snarky comebacks and the smirk on his face, you can tell he doesn’t feel good at all. There are bags under his eyes and he winces every time he moves. You place a hand on his shoulder when he tries to stand, a look he can’t quite read on your face.

“I’m gonna make you something to eat, please don’t go anywhere.” The genuine fear in your eyes as you look down at him has Klaus rooted to the bed. Suddenly a fear of letting you down cripples him then, and he can only manage a nod before you’re leaving the room.

//

The first time you saw Klaus overdosing you had come home from work early. It was a few months since you and Luther found him in that alleyway, and he’d made no attempts to clean up. Of course you thought he was clean and attending meetings. Klaus knew you’d be heartbroken if you knew the truth, and he was borderline worried you’d kick him out if you knew he spent most of the day high. If he knew that you’d fallen head over heels for him, he wouldn’t be worried about being kicked out. Klaus was clean the first week he moved in with you, but then came the ghosts. Their voices echoing in his head, their bloodied and battered bodies plaguing his every waking moment. He had clamped his hands over his ears to try and block them out, and he actually endured the tortuous voices for 17 hours before he gave in and popped some oxy.

“Klaus I’m back-'' Before you could finish whatever you were saying you spotted him lying unconscious on the living room floor. You dropped a glass platter and everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. You immediately scrambled towards him as the glass shattered everywhere. Your hands cupped his cheeks as tears filled your eyes, and you could not stop shaking.

“K-Klaus?” You gasped, shaking his shoulders to no avail. His body was practically lifeless, and his skin was almost gray and colorless. You lifted his wrist to check his pulse, and nearly burst into tears of relief when you felt a pulse but it was fading fast.

“Damnit Klaus!” You sobbed to yourself, leaning down to see if he was breathing. You held your breath, and prayed you would hear his faint breath. When you didn’t, it felt like you had been plunged into cold water. The panic struck you deep in your chest and you quickly sat up to perform CPR. You tilted his head back as the tears flowed down your cheeks, and you quickly started compressions. You reached into your pocket to press the stupid little life alert button you’d purchased when Klaus moved in. In moments like this you knew you needed a quick way to call an ambulance. You listened for his breathing once more, and cried softly when you still didn’t hear any breathing.

“Klaus please, please.” You didn’t know what you were pleading for, but you were so desperate for him to be okay that you couldn’t think straight. You continued compressions and then breathing into his mouth for 10 minutes before the emergency services arrived. They nearly had to pry you off him before shoving a breathing tube down his throat, and injecting him with something in a syringe. You’d climbed into the ambulance next to Klaus, his hand held tightly in yours. He looked lifeless in the hospital room, his eyes were closed and there were tubes sticking out of him. The steady beeping from the monitor was your only clue that his heart was still beating. You called his siblings, but after 5 hours you figured they weren’t going to come, you doubt they’d even listen to the message. Underneath the fear there’s anger, so much anger. How could he do this to you? He lied to you. He said he was clean! Did he ever attend a meeting or was that just a lie to go get more weed and pills?

“Hey you.” You hear his raspy voice from beside you. Once he started breathing on his own again they replaced the breathing tube for oxygen in his nose. The doctors said they would need to keep him here until he completely detoxed. There are tears welling in your eyes and you refuse to meet his eyes, you’re upset and he knows that.

“Baby I’m sorry.” Klaus tries, his hand reaching out for yours. You keep your arms folded as a tear finally falls down your cheek. Klaus hates seeing you cry and he hates even more that he is the reason you’re crying. You weren’t entirely surprised to hear him call you baby, you and Klaus have gotten close during the time he’s been living with you.

“Please look at me.” Klaus begs, a break in his voice that lets you know he has tears in his eyes. You lifted your gaze to meet his, and you see how sick he looks. His skin is gray, his eyes are sunken in and they have bags under them.

“How could you? You lied to me.” Your voice is soft, broken. This is the first time Klaus has truly let you down and you can’t help but wonder if this is how his siblings have felt every time he’s let them down. You see guilt flash in his eyes, the look in your eyes is worse than any other look Klaus has received from his brothers and sisters.

“What if I didn’t get off work early? Then you’d be dead Klaus!” You sobbed, tears wracking your body.

“Baby I swear when I get out I’ll get it together. I-I’ll clean up I promise.” A stray tear falls down his cheek and Klaus quickly reaches up to wipe it away. His hands are trembling when they reach for yours again but you still don’t budge.

“No Klaus, you’re going into fucking rehab. I can’t live with the constant fear of coming home and finding you dead. I love you too much to lose you.” The last part slips out by accident, but you can’t take it back. Klaus’s eyes widen as another tear trails down his cheek, and this time he doesn’t wipe it away.

“You love me?” How could he not know? You laugh bitterly as tears continue to cascade down your cheeks.

“Yes I do, and if you give even half a damn about me you’ll check into rehab.” You beg, your watery eyes finding his. Klaus lays his head back, his own teary eyes looking up to the ceiling before they close and he takes a deep breath.

“I love you so fucking much, so I’ll do it. For you.” Klaus finally whispers, reaching for you one last time and this time, you take his hand.

//

“Please tell me you’re going to take this seriously. Please? I-I can’t lose you.” You beg a few days later once Klaus was finally cleared to leave the hospital, but he would be going right to rehab. The doctors had him sign a document agreeing to be taken straight to an intensive rehab program as soon as he was released from the hospital. Klaus in all honesty was a tad bit put off by the idea of going into rehab, and was downright terrified of having to deal with the voices. Luckily he had Ben with him to help keep him sane while he was in rehab. Klaus really does love you, and he really does want to give sobriety a shot- but only for you.

“I promise, I already said I was really going to try.” Klaus sighed, turning his gaze down to look at you.

“You have no idea what that was like for me Klaus. Coming home to your lifeless body, I-I thought you were fucking dead.” You snapped, looking away from him as tears build in your eyes again. You’re so sick of crying. You feel his fingers grasping your chin, turning your head to look at him.

“I’m not dead baby, I’m here. I’m gonna get clean, and I’m gonna stay clean. I promise.” Klaus whispered before pressing his lips against yours. What you didn’t know then was that Klaus would be making that promise a hundred more times, and he’d be breaking it a hundred times. Deep down he didn’t want to get clean, he didn’t care enough about himself to try. The dead were too overwhelming, too scary, too much. Klaus couldn’t handle it, he didn’t want to. What he wanted was to be completely numb. The kiss was watery, but you pressed against him with such ferocity you almost took him by surprise.

“Mr. Hargreeves? The van is here.” A nurse says, clearing her throat awkwardly from the door. Klaus breaks the kiss first, his forehead pressed against yours. You can’t stop the tears as they trail down your cheeks. You sling his bag over your shoulder as the two of you head outside together. You see a man in scrubs take Klaus’s bag as other patients from the hospital pile into the van.

“I’ll only be gone for 3 months. Be back in a flash.” Klaus smiles, but the mischievousness doesn’t quite meet his eyes.

“I love you.” You whisper as he presses a kiss to your forehead.

“I love you.” Is the last thing you hear him whisper before he’s climbing into the van.

//

Klaus’s sobriety didn’t last long after rehab. Sure he’d attended all the group therapy sessions, and the annual detox therapy, he saw his therapist and followed the steps. He’d gone through the entire agonizing process of detoxing from the drugs. He wanted to be better, but then the voices came once more. Wailing in his ear about how desperately they wished to be alive, all the horrible details of their death, all the people they left behind. Ben tried to talk Klaus through it, to help him embrace his powers rather than reject them. But when Klaus sat straight up in bed, your sleeping body next to him and a thousand desperate voices screaming in his head he couldn’t take anymore.

“Don’t do this.” Ben pleaded, although he sounded defeated more than desperate. But Klaus’s shaking hands were already reaching for the closest pair of pants, which happened to be one of your skirts. Klaus was way more than itching for a fix, he was downright clawing for one. His eyes were wild as he stood up slowly, careful not to wake you up.

“She trusts you Klaus.” Ben tries again, he’s begun resorting to guilt tripping to keep Klaus sober. For the last few days it’s seemed to work, but Ben doubts it’s going to work now. Klaus is too far gone. “That isn’t going to last forever, eventually she will give up on you.”

“Shut up.” Klaus hisses, pulling sneakers on before turning for the door of the apartment. Ben appears in the doorway of the staircase, and Klaus raises a brow.

“Save whatever speech you have planned, I need it now.” Klaus says desperately, walking down the stairs- through Ben.

“Screw you Klaus, you’re taking advantage of her!” Ben snaps, you may not know Ben is around but he’s gotten to know you. He cares about you, in a sisterly way, and he hates seeing Klaus take your love and throw it away.

“Shut the hell up Ben.” There is genuine anger in Klaus’s tone now, his fists clenched as he continued towards where his normal dealer hangs out. Ben doesn’t particularly like hurting Klaus, but dammit someone has to stop him from destroying his own life.

“If you really cared about Y/N, you’d turn around and go home. She’s still laying in bed, thinking you’re next to her. How amazing is it that she wants you to be next to her, and you don’t seem to care at all. If I was alive, I’d love her right.” Ben yells, and this causes Klaus to freeze.

“Like hell you could! Y/N only wants me.” Klaus insists, but Ben can see the insecurity swirling in his eyes.

“For how long? When she realizes you relapsed again she isn’t going to want anything to do with you. Or you could go home Klaus, and put her first for once.” Ben says, his voice calmer this time. Tears well in Klaus’s eyes, he loves you more than anything on this whole planet.

“I’m sorry, I need it.” Klaus whispers before turning down the alley to see his dealer. This time, Ben doesn’t follow him. He can’t watch Klaus overdose again, he can’t watch him throw you away for drugs.

//

The first time you have sex with Klaus, he was high. You don’t know that, and Klaus knows exactly how you’d react if you did. It was a month since Klaus had gotten out of rehab, and you believed it also signaled a month of sobriety for him. In reality, Klaus hadn’t even made it a week before he relapsed after rehab. You wanted to celebrate with him, to do something nice for him. Ben watched you light candles while Klaus took a “nap”. It made him sick to see you do so many nice things for Klaus, while Klaus was really shooting up in your shared bathroom. You’re out here setting up something nice to celebrate Klaus’s sobriety, and he’s injecting heroin into his veins. It truly does make Ben sick. You lit the last candle, and when you reached up to remove your robe and reveal your lingerie- Ben disappeared. He isn't a pervert, he knew where this was going.

“Klaus?” You called nervously, smoothing your babydoll lace as you sat on the bed. You knew you wanted this, you were just nervous. When he emerged from the bathroom, his eyes widened as they landed on your nearly exposed breasts. He’d never seen you so naked before. Klaus swallowed a thick lump in his throat, and suddenly everything felt hotter, and tighter.

“Hey.” Is all he can say before an easy smile makes its way across his face.

“I just wanted to congratulate you on 1 month of sobriety.” You say softly with a smile, and then all the happiness drains away. Klaus feels sick to his stomach as guilt nearly brings him to his knees. You believe in him, and he’s pissing it all away. He wished he was stronger, but he isn’t. Klaus is weak and he isn’t worth it, and soon you’re going to realize that.

“You didn’t have to do this.” Klaus whispers and you shrug with a nervous smile on your face.

“You don’t like it?” You ask, your eyes widening. You’re really putting yourself out there and you can only hope he likes this. Klaus takes a step forward, his hands landing on your hips.

“No baby I do! I love this.” Klaus reassures you, and you feel your cheeks heat up when you see his eyes go wandering down your body. HIs lips lower to yours then and you feel like you’re up in the clouds. Klaus feels his heart breaking with every tender movement, every gentle brush of your fingers through his hair. It’s all he can do but to grab you and press you against his body with a bruising force. The desperation in his movements is what catches you off guard, his hands are hauling your thighs up around his waist. Normally Klaus isn’t this assertive in the bedroom, but he needs to feel your skin against his. He needs to know you’re here with him, because soon you won’t be. He knows that.

It’s not long before you’re undressed and your legs are spread open for him, and Klaus has no idea what he ever did to deserve you. Deep down he knows he doesn’t, you deserve someone like Ben. Maybe that’s why what Ben said really struck a nerve, because deep down Klaus knows if Ben were alive- you’d choose him. You’d never choose Klaus if he were being compared to Ben. Klaus grasps his cock in his hand before guiding the head into your tight opening, and when he pushes into you- it feels like absolute heaven. But there’s only one thought on Klaus’s mind, I don’t deserve this.

//

The second time you see Klaus overdose, it’s the morning after the best night of your life. It’s the morning after you sleep with him, the morning after you feel truly connected to him like you’re one. You stretched with a yawn, a smile on your face as your hand reaches over to where Klaus is sleeping next to you. When your hand finds cold sheets your eyes blink open, he’s already awake?

“Klaus?” You call softly, waiting for a response. When you don’t get one you finally drag yourself out of bed, you enter the living room. Again no sign of Klaus whatsoever. Panic creeps into your chest then, he’s just out getting coffee or something to surprise you. You bite nervously at your nails before you turn back to your room to push into the bathroom. The sight before you draws a gasp from you. Klaus is slumped against the wall, his arm still on the toilet with the tourniquet around his arm. The needle is on the lid of the toilet next to his arm, and you immediately rush towards him.

“What have you done?” You whisper desperately, reaching for the life alert you have in the bathroom. You have one in every room in your apartment, which at the time felt like overkill but now looking back on it you’re happy you did. You pull Klaus to lay on his back, yanking the tourniquet off his arm. You try to feel for a pulse, and much to your horror you don’t feel a pulse. You frantically press your ear to his chest, his heart isn’t beating.

“Oh my God Klaus!” You nearly scream in horror, balling your fist up and slamming it down on his chest as hard as you can. You continue to do this, tears cascading down your cheeks. He’s dead, his heart isn’t beating.

“Klaus, why? You said you were sober!” You scream in pure emotional agony. You hardly notice when the paramedics arrive until they pull you away from him.

“H-his heart isn’t beating. Please help him.” You beg as they rush him out of the apartment, but this time...you don’t go with him. You’ve finally reached the point all of Klaus’s siblings reached, the point where you just can’t take being let down anymore. You believe in him, you feel hopeful. Then you feel lower than low when you realize he relapsed again, you can’t do this anymore. You can’t take the let down anymore.

It’s a few days before you go see Klaus in the hospital, and you know what you have to do but you’re not sure you have the strength to do it. Klaus is sitting in bed, eating chocolate pudding, and this time he looks worse than last time. He glances up at you when you come in, and he has to do a double take.

“Baby-”

“Please don’t. I don’t want to hear your excuses, or your promises to get clean.” You interrupt, and it’s only just now that he notices a suitcase in your hand. There are tears endlessly falling down your cheeks, and inside you feel completely dead. Klaus knows what the suitcase is for, he knows that you’ve lost faith in him. Just like Ben predicted you would, but despite the fact that this is all Klaus’s fault...Ben still sits nearby with a look of sadness upon his face.

“What’s the suitcase for?” Klaus brings himself to ask the dreaded question even though he already knows the answer. You swallow a lump before depositing the suitcase on a chair at the end of his bed.

“That’s all your stuff. D-Don’t come back to my apartment. Don’t call. I can’t be with you like this.” You cry, watching as the broken look on your face crosses onto Klaus’s.

“Baby please don’t do this. Just give me another chance, I’ll stay clean this time-” But you’re already shaking your head, taking slow steps back towards the door.

“We’re over Klaus. I’m done. I can’t be terrified of finding your dead body, I can’t wonder where you are at night or where you’re going when you sneak out. I can’t live like this anymore, I don’t want to live like this.” You sob, your shoulders shaking as you cry softly.

“Please don’t give up on me, not you.” Klaus pleads, and the look in his eyes nearly makes you change your mind, But then you remember where he is, that he did this to himself. You shake your head.

“You’ve given me no choice Klaus! I can’t take it anymore, I can’t handle anymore heartbreak.” You snap, tears heavy on your cheeks.

“I can get my shit together, I can!” Klaus pleads as your hand finds the door handle. He can’t lose you, not you. Anybody but you.

“I know you can, but I can’t wait around wondering if you’ll get your shit together before you overdose and die. I can’t wait around hoping the latter will come first. Goodbye Klaus.” You open the door and step into the hallway.

“No, Y/N please. I love you.” You hear Klaus call before you’re closing the door behind you. Your heart shatters as you do, and continues to shatter as you walk away.

Despite what you said, he called. He called over and over again and even came to your apartment. You remember him knocking and begging you to open the door, you had slid down the wall sobbing softly with your hand over your mouth. You love Klaus more than you’ve ever loved anyone, but you can’t watch him die. You can’t. You had to let him go and hope that someday he gets clean, and that he stays clean. You hope that someday he finds something or someone to stay clean for. Clearly, you weren’t enough.

“Please open the door, I know you’re in there.” Klaus begs, leaning against the closed door.

“She’s crying. I don’t think she’s going to open the door.” Ben says, poking his head through the door to look at you. His heart breaks for you, he tried to warn Klaus this was going to happen.

“I love you Y/N, just give me one more chance please.” Klaus tries again but you stay rooted to the floor, your body shaking through the tears.

“You’re hurting her Klaus.” Ben says softly, and Klaus finally takes a step away from the door with a look of realization on his face. He is hurting you. You don’t want him here, and as much as that kills him it’s the truth. The longer he sits here in the hallway, the more you’re going to cry. He has to let you go. He quickly wipes away falling tears before slinging his bag over his shoulder. Klaus leans down to slide something under the door before heading back down the stairs, and this time he isn’t going to be coming back. You turn to see a piece of paper with a plastic bag sitting on your kitchen floor. You lift the bag, and inside it is a necklace. It’s a silver heart with diamonds along the side, but on the inside is a rose made out of rose gold. You feel tears drifting down your cheeks as you turn to the note.

“Happy 1 Year Anniversary. I love you. -K”

You collapse to the floor, clutching the necklace and the note to your chest tightly. You never thought you would lose him, actually you were stupid enough to believe you could save him from himself. But you can’t save him, you never could. No matter how much you love him, it’s time to let him go and you can only hope that the next time you see him isn’t at his funeral.

//

-9 Years Later-

The letter clutched in your hand was one you never thought you’d be receiving. It’s from Allison, saying that her father died so she’s in town. You can’t fight the excitement you feel upon realizing you’re probably going to see her soon. You missed her. The prospect of running into Klaus crosses your mind, but c’mon what are the chances he’ll even show up? His father locked him in a Mausoleum for most of his childhood, you know for a fact that Klaus has no love for Reginald. You’re surprised Allison is going, but then again Reginald always did his little “experiments” on Klaus. Never the others. Besides Vanya, he treated Klaus the absolute worst. So you seriously doubt Klaus will turn up, plus you’ll only be there for like 10 minutes to see Allison. That’s the only reason you’re standing here, knocking on the door.

“It’s been a while Miss Y/L/N.” Pogo says once the door opens. You smile upon seeing him and can’t help yourself as you stoop down to hug him tightly. You’ve really missed Pogo these last few years. But you had to forget all of this, push it to the back of your mind. Any reminder of Klaus would cause you to collapse into tears, so you couldn’t think about any of it. There were a few times you nearly asked Allison to use her powers to erase your relationship with Klaus from your head. There was a while where you felt like you couldn’t be happy without him, but overall you did fine.

“Oh my God! Y/N!” You hear her before you see her and before you’ve even properly turned around Allison’s arms are winding around you tightly. You feel tears burning the backs of your eyes as you hug her back, it’s so good to see her. When Allison pulls back, her eyes scan your face before flickering behind you.

“Where’s Klaus?” If it were a few years ago, the question would have sent you to your knees in tears. You shake your head with a smile.

“We broke up a few years ago.” The pain behind your eyes is unmistakable. Allison nods before her gaze is flickering down to the necklace secured around your neck.

“Then what’s that?” She lifts the necklace in her hand, the necklace Klaus had slid under your door.

“It’s just a necklace I don’t know what you-”

“I helped him pick it out Y/N. It was the last time I talked to him.” She said and you nod slowly. You hold the metal in your hands, you’ve been wearing it every day since he gave it to you. Clinging to it like it’s the last piece of him you have, which is sort of true. You stole a few t-shirts of his too.

“I was just about to poke around in my Dad’s office, wanna come?” The playful glint in her eyes sends away the tears that were about to spill over your cheeks. You nod instantly, that was the one room they were never allowed to go into. You skip up the stairs behind Allison, running your fingers along the bannister. You remember all the times you ran up these stairs with Allison, either running away from Reginald or Pogo. Or the times you’d gotten hurt and Grace was there to run her fingers through your hair and hold you to her chest, she really was the best mom. She was a mom to you too, your own parents are pieces of shit and the only person you ever really had was Grace.

“Wow, so weird being in here.” You say once you two breach the threshold into the office. It only takes a few seconds for you to hear someone rummaging around in the drawers. You doubt Luther could fit behind the desk without you seeing him so it’s not him, and you just saw Diego in the hallway. Vanya was downstairs last time you checked so that means…

“Klaus?” Allison says it first. Your heart is in your throat as he stands to his full height, which is a few inches taller than the last time you saw him. He has facial hair, he doesn’t look like a boy anymore. He’s really grown into himself, he’s still super skinny though. His fashion style has changed a lot since the last time you saw him. He’s almost sort of feminine now, and you’d be lying if you said he didn’t look hot as hell. His eyes light up upon seeing her, a wide smile stretched across his face. He hasn’t seen you yet, so you’re going to just sneak out. You turn and head for the door when you hear his voice.

“Y/N? That you?” You hear the happiness edging at the tone of his voice. You can’t bring yourself to turn around, you can’t look into his eyes and remember how much you’ve missed him. He’s probably still using and you can’t get sucked into his addiction again. You stay stock still, tears burning at the corner of your eyes as you see him come into your view. He uses two fingers to tilt your chin up, and when you look into his eyes- it’s all over. They’re the same hazel eyes that you remember, the same softness behind them. The tears trickle down your cheeks before you can stop them. You shove past him and out of the room just as Luther comes in, he lights up when he sees you but the look quickly falters when he sees the tears on your face. His gaze trails back to Klaus and then a look of realization finally reaches his eyes.

“You should go after her.” Ben suggests as he moves to sit on Reginald’s desk. Klaus doesn’t say anything as he empties his pockets of things he was planning to sell before Luther caught him.

“Klaus, you're like an open wound for her, fix it. I thought you loved her.” Ben snaps, and this time Klaus glares at him before storming out of the room.

“I do love her.” Klaus snaps back.

“So talk to her and stop being an idiot.” Ben says, and the anger in his eyes is unmistakable. Klaus groans, pressing the heel of his palms into his eyes.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“How about, ‘I’m sorry’?” Ben suggests sarcastically. Klaus rolls his eyes. Turning towards the railing of the stairs, Klaus spots you next to a giant window. You’re stood with your arms crossed, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t happy to see you.

“Don’t think it’s going to be enough, but I’ll try.” Klaus says softly, looking into Ben’s eyes. Tucking the ornate box he stole from the office into his pants, Klaus makes his way towards you.

“Hey you.” Is all he says, but hearing him say those words with his voice, it’s almost too much. It sends you right back to the first time you saw Klaus overdosing, it’s what he said in the hospital room when he woke up. You push a smile onto your face through the tears.

“Hey.” You wipe away a falling tear as you turn to look at him, and you see his eye fixated on your neck. Klaus reaches up to touch the necklace, there’s a smile on his face.

“You’re wearing it.”

“I never took it off, since you gave it to me.” You admit softly. Klaus looks up to meet your eyes again, and you swear he’s wearing eyeliner. Why is that so hot? Why is him dressing sort of like a woman so damn sexy?

“So, I hate this small talk but how have you been?” Klaus asks, stuffing his hands in his pockets. You casually wipe away a few tears, pretending that neither of you know why you’re crying. Even though you both know you’re crying because of him, again. What kills you the most is that everything else about him looks different enough for you to convince yourself that it’s a different person. But his eyes are the same. The same soft, puppy like eyes and every time you look into them you see the broken look on his face when you broke up with him.

“Good. I’m good, you?” You and Klaus really did detest small talk, but when it comes to you two you need to take baby steps. Maybe you can be friends but you doubt it, either way you have to take it slow. Really slow.

“I’m great.” He says with a wide smile, you nod once before turning your gaze out the window again. There’s one question poking at your head, refusing to be ignored. So you lick your lips and slowly turn to him.

“Klaus?”

“Hm?”

“Did you have anywhere to go after I...I um-”

“After you kicked me out?” You don’t expect the words to sting so much when he says them, you don’t think he intended to say it bitterly but he did. You nod.

“No I didn’t, but I figured it out.” He says with a shrug. You feel guilty as you look back out the window, and that’s when you notice him inch closer to you.

“I’ve missed you Y/N.” He says softly, turning his body to face yours. You feel tears in your eyes again, you know what he’s doing.

“Don’t.” You say softly, but his arms reach on either side of you to grasp the railing behind you- effectively trapping you in place.

“I really missed you.” Klaus says sincerely, his lips ghosting over yours. It’s too much.

“Stop! We can’t do this again Klaus.” You gasp, shoving him away from you. Klaus’s eyebrows knit together, but you know he really isn’t surprised.

“Baby I’m different now, I won’t let you down again-”

“Really? Then what’s this?” You snap as tears drift down your face. You grasp the bracelet on his wrist, the bracelet from rehab next to the one from the emergency room. You see him shrink in on himself, knowing that he had in fact been caught.

“After all these years and you’re still using, and you overdosed again? Do you know how lucky you are to be alive? Dammit Klaus, I’m not getting pulled into this bullshit again. I can’t.” You yell, crying uncontrollably now.

“But I still love you, I’m so fucking in love with you.” Klaus pleads and you know he means it. The annoying part is that you love him too, there’s never going to be a time in your life that you’re not in love with Klaus. You shake your head, you really wished you could control your damn emotions. You turn to storm down the stairs when you feel his fingers gently close around your wrist.

“I know you love me, you wouldn’t wear that necklace if you didn’t.” Klaus says desperately, a look in his eyes you can’t quite place.

“Please Y/N, just kiss me. One more time, please.” Klaus pleads, and you close your eyes as you release a heavy breath. You grasp onto his shirt tightly before pulling his lips down to meet yours. Klaus sighs happily against your lips as his hands grasp tightly at your own shirt, pulling you as close to his body as you can get. Your lips move against each other, and you can already feel the heat rising. You moan against him when his hand slips between your legs on the outside of your jeans. You pull away from him as he presses his palm against your core.

“W-We can’t do this Klaus.” You gasp, your head tilting back as he grinds his hardening cock against you. He winds his arms around your waist, his lips finding the sweet spot just under your ear. You mewl softly, your hands grasping his shoulders tightly.

“Sure we can, you don’t want a relationship- fine. Doesn’t mean we can’t have a physical relationship.” He whispers, biting at your neck in a way that makes you feel like you’re melting. You sigh softly as his hand slides under your shirt and up your back.

“C’mon baby, let me make you feel good. Use me to get off. Please.” His filthy words send another wave of arousal through you. You look into his eyes and when you see the heat simmering in them, you know you can’t say no.

“God please make me cum Klaus.” You plead hoarsely, and his lips press against yours again. He hauls your legs around his waist as he takes a back hallway to his bedroom. He presses you against the wall outside of his bedroom, grinding his cock up against your core. His lips trail kisses from the corner of your mouth, all the way down the column of your throat. Your head tilts back and hits the wall, your entire body buzzing.

“Just please tell me, are you high right now?” You gasp, his hand toying with the button of your jeans. Klaus hums in thought.

“A little.” He admits, and it definitely bothers you, but you need to cum so damn badly that you don’t care too much. Klaus kicks the door shut behind him before dropping you onto the bed, his hands yanking your shirt over your head.

“Wait, is this my shirt?” He asks, lifting the fabric to inspect it.

“A memento, come here and kiss me.” You plead again, your bra joining his shirt not too long after. Klaus happily obliges, yanking his shirt over his head before his lips are on yours. Your hands find his scarf, which strangely looks good on him before pulling it from around his neck.

“Nice scarf.” You comment against his lips. Klaus’s tongue swiftly enters your mouth and you, honest to God whimper against his lips. No man has ever made you whimper before. Your hands reach down to unbutton his pants, and you begin to push them down his legs. Remarkably, Klaus has managed to keep the giant box tucked into his pants concealed, kicking it under the bed when you look down to help untangle the pants from his ankles. You help peel his pants off before you’re sliding onto the floor in front of him. You pump his cock in your hand a few times before you’re taking him down your throat. Klaus hisses as his head tosses back, and you have to admit that the way he looks sends heat between your legs. His arms holding himself up as his neck is exposed, his eyes squeezed shut, his chest heaving. He looks fucking beautiful. You lick a line up the underside of his cock, you still remember exactly what he likes. That’s honestly a little pathetic, but at this moment you couldn’t care less.

“Fuck baby I don’t remember you being so-” he’s cut off when you suck lightly, and he moans. “-being so good at this.”

He swallows thickly, daring himself to look down at you. The sight before him nearly makes him cum on the spot. You’re looking up at him through your lashes, there are tears in your eyes, and your mouth is stuffed full of his cock. He can see it bulging in your throat. You bob your head up and down his full length, but eventually Klaus yanks you off him by your hair.

“If you don’t stop I’m going to cum and I won’t get hard again.” He growls, pulling your lips against his. Klaus’s hands are quickly unbuttoning your jeans, his hands hooking into the waistband to push them down your legs along with your underwear.

“You’re too clothed.” He mumbles against your lips, you eagerly help him undress you. Klaus gently pushes you back against the mattress to lay underneath you, his hands pressed on either side of your head. His eyes are practically twinkling as he gazes down at you, and there’s a fond smile on his face as his fingers brush against the necklace once more.

“What?” You ask, your cheeks heating up from the look in his eyes.

“Nothing. Just...this is my happy place.” He says and you turn your head away when it starts to feel too emotional.

“This is just sex Klaus remember? We’re not getting back together.” You remind him, and you hate the crushed look in his eyes but he nods.

“Yeah, I remember.” He says softly, the head of his cock nudging at your entrance. You moan when you feel his tip sliding against your lips, and just that one sound has reignited the fire in Klaus’s eyes. He reaches down to grasp the base of his cock, watching with nearly sadistic eyes as he teases you by rubbing the head along your entrance.

“Don’t be an asshole.” You groan, your fingers curling around the sheets. Klaus leans down to press his lips against yours before he’s sliding into you in one languid thrust. Your breath catches in your throat as you wind your arms around his shoulders. You’re not as tight as Klaus was expecting, which can only mean one thing. You’ve had sex with somebody else, and deep down Klaus knows that he has no right to be upset about it. But he is, he’s really upset about it. He quickly sets a brutal pace, pinning your arms to the bed as he bites down softly on your lower lip. You wriggle one arm free so you can reach up and grasp tightly onto his neck, your fingers curled around his throat. Klaus’s eyes roll back as he continues to pump into you.

“Fuck I missed this.” Klaus groans, his other hand snaking between your bodies to toy with your clit. Klaus has slept with one other person since he was with you, but that was different. It was a man. To Klaus, sex with men is just as good as sex with women but nothing is as good as sex with you. There’s something about you that just makes his toes curl, that edges him a little higher. Maybe it’s because he’s helplessly in love with you, but who knows. Klaus knows he won’t last much longer, especially when you begin to clench around him. He missed being this close to you, feeling one with you. Feeling you. He missed it all, everything about you. He is going to get you back, Klaus has made it his goal to get clean. For you. He never wants to lose you again.

“I missed you,” You gasp, you can’t help it. You did miss him. More than you thought you would, and you thought that time would heal the wound but it didn’t. Actually, the more time that went on the more the wound seemed to open. Klaus continues to push into you roughly, the head of his cock hitting that sweet spot with every thrust. You hold his chest tightly to yours, your eyes squeezing shut when his fingers gently pinch your clit. The tidal wave breaks open then and you’re squeezing around him so tightly that it draws a strangled groan from him as you gush around him. You moan obscenely as you cum around him, your hands holding him tightly. Klaus gasps as he thrusts into you roughly before pulling out of you and instantly cumming all over your stomach.

“I needed that.” Klaus sighs happily, standing to clean your stomach off. You watch him toss the tissue in a trash can before reaching around for his clothes.

“Leaving?” You ask in disbelief, he won’t stay with you for a little bit? Klaus leans back over you before pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“Sorry baby, got an errand to run.” He says reaching under the bed to grab the box. Klaus slides the scarf around his neck once more, and when you see the box you know what he’s up to. He’s going to sell it for drug money. He tosses your clothes onto the bed before turning towards the door. Just before his hand tugs the door open, he turns towards you again.

“Be honest with me, do you still love me?” He asks and you bite down on your bottom lip.

“I still love you Klaus.” You admit, watching the small smile on his face.

“I love you too.” And before you know it, he’s out of the bedroom and closing the door behind him. It’s immediate that you should not have had sex with him, you should have said no but you couldn’t. Why?

Because Klaus is your addiction.

[squeak-the-cat18]

Since im bored and have nothing else to do : more song quotes!!

(Tw because most of these are sad/depressing)

(Also none belong to me credit goes to the respective artist)

I'm drowning in your memory but it is all that I have left

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't want to know.

Do you care about all the little things, or anything at all?

I wanna sunburn just to know I'm that I'm alive

If I can't see the sun maybe I should go.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon.

Did you know that every day is the first of the rest of your life

This is to one last day in the shadows and to know a brothers love

Tell me all your thoughts about the stars that fill polluted skys

How did you love?

It was almost love, when I heard that sound and the walls came down I was thinking about you.

Its not what you believe, those prayers will make you bleed

Time will take us all and turn us into stone

Her hands tell the story of hardships that we'll never know

How did you love?

How we forget ourselves from the cradle to the grave

We are the judge and jury

I drove for miles just to find you and myself

Its not your fault im a bitch, I'm a monster

Sure as the sunrise shes seen things you'll never see

I can't let her go.

Please don't go most nights i hardly sleep when I'm alone

I think of you whenever I'm alone

Would anyone care? would anyone cry if I finally stepped of the ledge tonight?

Would anything change? Would you all be just fine? cause I need a reason to not throw the fight

It just might save my life.

Home, a place where i can go and take this off my shoulders.

I wont to lie so hard to hide I've never felt worthy of love, I would give up everything I had just to feel good enough.

Someone take me home.

Tell me why the world never fights fair

Shes still here fighting, better know there's life in her yet

Tell me how all my dreams turned to nightmares, how did I loose it  when I was right there

Just to get to a place where even though there's no closer,  I'm still safe

I found no cure for the loneliness, I found no cure for the sickness.

I'm 11 minutes away so why arent you here?

Would anyone notice if tonight I disappeared? Would anyone chase me, and say the words i need to hear that im no burden, not so worthless

I would sell my soul for a bit more time

You swear to god but I'm a nonbeliever

So tell me when it kicks in

This is how it ends, I can feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream

Would anyone want me if they knew what was inside my head?

No no don't leave me lonely now, if you love me how'd you never learn

All the voices in my mind calling out across the line

Your losing faith while I've been holding on.

It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads of over fragile bones.

Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face tell me that you love me even if its fake

We were blessed by the breath deep inside of us

Give me the strength to look the devil in the face and make it home safe

Playing dead I'll never do, gotta keep an eye on you

Promises broken again

Would anyone see me for the person I really am?

Take a hit shoot me down I will never hit the ground

Put an X on my chest, but I'm still standing cause I wont forget all the hell you put me through, I'll save myself in spite of you

This time I wont let go

When you go down all your darkest roads, I would have followed all the way to the graveyard

I keep digging myself down deeper, I wont stop til I get where you are

Trying to find the root of all that's come between us

White flag, never going up no no

Don't you know I'm aint afraid to shed a little blood

Id rather die than give up the fight

You look at me with eyes so dark I don't know how you even see

I'm good, I'm good, I'm great.

Ain't that my blue in her eyes?

Where everyone you know never leaves too soon

Too many years of battle scares and now we're broken

But while your on your knees how did you love?

Don't take her from me

Don't wanna see her grow to be just like you

But it only feeds my energy

I'm chasing dragons, this dragon's got my hand

Sweet love, my oldest friend, have we come to the bitter end

This time don't you save me, baby I can feel myself giving up

But I dont see so easily what you hold in your hands.

Pray for my soul

Those eyes tell nothing of a soul that is spent, a soul that's longing for death

[sassydefendorflower]

15 for the book asks pls (u can review/rec however many u feel like!!) I've missed all the times you've talked about what you're reading and I'm curious -chinhands-

GASP!!! YOU WANT ME TO REVIEW AND REC BOOKS??? delightful <3 <3 <3

15. recommend and review a book

The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch

Let's start with the book that highkey kicked me back into reading a few months ago. This fantasy book should be considered a classic even if it is certainly not for everyone: Locke Lamora is a cursing, sneaky bastard man, who truly is not as clever as he thinks he is. I love him. I love his best friend Jean. I love the city of Camorr which appears to be the Florida of this fantasy world. There are sharks. There are many interludes telling you the history of the gods, or why a game of handball ended with a 30 year old blood feud. Or why the prostitutes of Camorr are so frightening even the lord of the thieves wont mess with them.

No one is pretty and I didn't know I needed this in a book until I read the Gentlemen Bastards books.

There are some things it doesn't have: a lot of female characters (especially in the first book - but we do get super hot pirate queens in the second book so there is that) and a PG rating. There is cursing, blood, death, and a lot of foul language (also some torture).

The Spellslinger Saga by Sebastien de Castell

This YA fantasy series is a very fun read if you enjoy outcast stories about idiot boys and their amazing lesbian mentors. No, but for real, I loved much of the underlying world building in this series: the obvious narrative bias our main character embodies (and slowly learns to grow out off) because of his upbringing, the conceptualization of the Argosi lifestyle and the way they see the world, the absolute bonkers religious/magical conflict that everything is built on... it makes for a fun read. And Kellen is truly unlike many male protagonists in YA fantasy: after every skirmish or fight or disagreement, the first thing Kellen does is cry, because his emotions are just a bit too much. (i love him, your honor - i also love his absolutely amazing mentor Ferius who could top me any day)

Some other things to point out: the fifth book really takes a step back in quality but it is worth it for the sixth book (which is my absolute favorite), there is a storyline between an abuser and the abused kid and while I love the conclusion for much of this storyline the kid is an absolutely unreliable narrator and that can make it hard to read

Gallant by V.E. Schwab

While I still think V.E. Schwab writes her best works when she writes Fantasy alla Our Dark Duet and Shades of Magic, I did enjoy this little foray into gothic horror quite a bit. How much? It made me cry, and I think that is always a great sign. With a protagonist with a physical disability I was afraid the narrative would focus on her regaining her voice, but truly that was not the case - instead it was much more focused on the definition of home... and how inescapable fate is, and yet wholly dependent on our own choices.

It wasn't a perfect book - the middle dragged a bit - but I did greatly enjoy it and it reminded me a lot of Crimson Peak. It does very much feel like a gothic horror set in a bleak 1950s England and if that is your thing... congrats (also there is no romance in this book and that is a good thing in my book).

(ask me one of these book asks)

[solarsleepless]

what r max's stims? :)

SHSHJSHJSJSJSHJSH

okAY yes i have many thoughts abt adhd max i am vibrating rn

okay so first of all theres the average well known "flappy hands"

but she really likes it when she has sweaters with longer sleeves because then she can just flap them around

leg bounce leg bounce leg bounce

cracking her knuckles. she does this SO often its unreal

she doesnt have many vocal stims but she goes "ba ba ba" or just humming and singing sometimes

also running her hand on the bottom of her skateboard, and/or rolling the wheels

just being on her skateboard and swaying is a huge stim

chewing her shirt lmao

im also gonna say that she also stims by pressing on buttons and other stuff in the arcade. its just Nice To Do

also stims by kicking off of the ground on her skateboard. very nice

well this is gonna turn into adhd max rant get ready

she had adhd combined (like yours truly) and finds it hard to concentrate in class

she totally hyperfixated on video games at some point

and comics probably

and skateboarding too

she is a VERY picky eater. like she could barely eat stuff in california, so when she moves to hawkins it only gets worse

sensory issues my abhorreeed

can't stand too-loud noises (b!lly of course knows this and turns up music in his car so that he can't even hear himself)

that being said she cant STAND the silence and always needs background noise (she and el bond over liking white noise from tv)

SHE LOVES TANGLERS SO MUCH

goes nonverbal sometimes because of the fear that if she says anything itll just make things worse. the party + steve is very concerned at first, then learn to live with it

WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE

she has so many weighted blankets. she couldnt actually use them much because it was too hot in cali but then in hawkins she used them all the time

SPINNY CHAIR SPINNY CHAIR

undiagnosed

loves fluffy jumpers. she never really used or felt them earlier because of the hotness of california but when she was cold and lucas lent her his fluffy jumper...

well let's just say he didn't get it back

rubbing her hand over lucas's knuckles :)

i know i've already said singing stim but just imagine her singing 'material girl' or 'old time rock and roll'

echolalia! only sometimes tho

like erica will go "hey max me and lukie are gonna make a cake wanna help?" "cake?" "cake" "cake!" "cake!" "cake"

also the sinclair family is so accepting. they're confused but they just accept max and thats okay

once the party started looking up what adhd was, max brought it up once and immediately they all went 'that's only for little boys'

(which is bullshit obvs)

remember that sleepover scene where max is dancing? yeah that but its a stim

the party + the teens have a running joke of max being moth because she stares at lights so much. visual stim

she scratches as a(n unhealthy) stim but it gets worse after billy's death

hates it when people shout, usually goes nonverbal if it's directed at her

jumps when she's happy!!

you know how she just wears basic and unlayered clothes? yeah she chooses them on purpose because tight stuff feels Bad

she hates labels with her entire being

she seems like the kind of gal to bite her nails

also adopted dustin's "grrr" as a stim

"hey max- grrr" "...what was that?" "...grrr" "could you teach me how to do that" ".. o k a y ?"

will and max (i hc will as autistic) both have lil stimming sessions! they just notice the other stimming and join in, just leaving them laughing at the end!

lucas is super understanding of her stims

he learnt to recognize when she's understimulated and gives her fidget toys!! and if he doesnt have any then he'll just straight up grab her hand and start rubbing his fingers against the knuckles

i'd like to say:

*SLAPS ROOF OF MAX MAYFIELD* THIS BITCH CAN HOLD SO MUCH RSD

she wasnt doing so good in the first place

thinking stuff like

"maybe if i wasnt born then my parents wouldn't have divorced"

and stuff like that

(billy intentionally makes it worse because of course he does)

but then it gets so. much. worse.

you know mike said "because you're annoying" in s2?

YOU CAN BET THAT TRIGGERED HER RSD SO HARD

and also when el just walked past her in s2? yeah well

that didn't go off well with her rsd either

lucas has to reassure her that she's not a mistake, she's not annoying, he doesn't secretly hate her, etc etc

he doesnt think he'll ever forgive mike for triggering her rsd so badly

this has so many hurt/comfort possibilities in fic holy fuck-

lucas immediately shuts down her deprecating comments

like IMMEDIATELY

he wont stand for that shit

he is glaring so badly at anyone who triggers max's rsd

unless it's someone they love (like erica) who doesn't actually know what they did wrong and want to make up for it

once erica activated her rsd by accident

just with a lil lighthearted comment

"ugh i hope you arent as annoying as lukey's little friends on the walkie talkie"

once erica finds out abt what she did she feels SO bad. babey

she does everything she can to make up for it

apologizes properly when they're both brushing the barbie's hair

she finds out max stims by brushing barbie's hair when max has to look after once

so when she can see max is understimulated she'll just toss a barbie and a hairbrush her way

also likes max's echolalia (can you hear that? its the sound of max's euphoria boosting)

erica learns to lower her voice around max

max can't watch anything without subtitles btw

she just cannot

she'll watch it and cause she's smart she'll figure out what's going on

but often has to turn to lucas and go "whats going on???"

she loves the feeling of snow thru her gloves

maybe its the cold but still. very Nice

uhh i have more but i cant be bothered also this is too long already

[kingsuckjin]

Ungodly Beast 3- epilogue

✞ Pairing: Devil! Jungkook x reader

✞ Genre: horror, fluff idk anymore

✞ Synopsis: You need to end this hell on earth.

✞ Warnings: death, gore, mention of burns, blood, talk of heaven and hell, the earth is on fire (I have to say that your child dies but it will all be okay, I promise it’s alright and it’s not as bad as you might think, just trust me.)

✞ Words: 2.3k

✞ A/N: I would put links here for the past two parts, but lately tumblr has been doing this thing where it wont let this fic show up in the tags if I put in links or tag anyone. They're on my masterlist though, I’m just very sorry for the inconvenience.

"Go my child, end this. Take all the power you need, and if you succeed I'll return the favor."

The flames around your bare feet had to be searingly hot, but they didn't hurt you, it didn't even singe or dirty the white you wore. 

The grass of the park was no more, and what lie under the flames was dry, scorched earth. The leaves had been burned from the trees, the trunks of which still smoked and trailed upwards towards the starless night sky. Glowing orange embers and ash fell all around you like some kind of twisted blizzard.

As you walked you saw the melted remnants of the playground you use to take your son to.

So this was hell on Earth.

It was just a shell of familiarity and home.

On your walk you could hear the sounds of police sirens and fire trucks, but it was much too late for them, everything was on fire.

Buildings, shops, offices, either up in flames or ash on the ground. You saw a car in flames explode, thankfully no one was in it.

There were people. People lined the streets, crying, confused, scared and burned.

An old man was laying on the street, his wife crying over him. She was so hysterical she didn't even see you approach, but when she did her jaw dropped at the sight of you, she begged you for help in another language, one you knew only bits and pieces of before and studied in your free time, but you now fully understood.

You said nothing as you looked over the man's burnt face before placing your hands over it, covering the freshly burnt skin. You closed your eyes and let your head fall slightly.

"My child, I will let you heal him, I will let you give the people hope. But you must hurry to find him before he causes anymore irreversible destruction. Stop him, and put the rest in my hands."

You nodded in agreement and opened your eyes and moved your hands. 

On lookers had gathered around you, both the woman and the man thanked you, but you had to go.

"Don't worry, just pray." You told them. You knew they were looking at your wings folded against your back as you walked on.

As you passed Namjoon's burning church you could see him clearly in your head, on his knees on the floor between the pews on prayer as he realized who was just outside right before it went up in flames.

You didn't go inside, it was too late for him, but you knew Jungkook and your son had to be close, you could feel it. You could see their trail of death, torment and destruction.

You closed your eyes and you brought on the rain.

The crack of thunder rolled through the sky before the downpour started, and though it rained around you, you remained dry. It was all you could do in an attempt to end the suffering of the people at the hands of this fire for now. You also wanted to prevent the risk of them making things worse when you found them.

To attract them you began to sing quietly, you sang the song in the language that Jungkook had sang to your son when he was just a baby. Though the lyrics didn't translate well, it was a song about peace and silence and it was in the world's first language. Even back then, you supposed, that parents just wanted their babies happy and they wanted to do right by them. You remembered Jungkook saying when you first met him that that was something he never understood, and still seemed not to.

You couldn't bring yourself to be mad at him, you pitied him. You pitied his lack of understanding towards humanity even with all of his new emotions. He didn't get to grow from a child, he didn't have surroundings or figure to help shape him. He couldn't never be a parent because he never had a parent figure, he was never a child, Jungkook just was. He had just been Jungkook all at once since the birth of time. He only knew being cast out of heaven, he only knew lies, he only new bitterness, revenge, and power. Jungkook only knew destruction and couldn't handle when you had created something for him, given life to something that was partially made from him. Jungkook wanted to own you and your children just like he owned the souls in hell. Even if you give a person emotions who wasn't taught right from wrong or how to be there for people, or how to not be selfish, they might feel guilty. However, they've already become set in their ways seeing as it's all they've ever known. It wasn't Jungkook's fault that he was given this eternal cold life, he never asked for this.

You understood vastly more than you did before, there was no fooling you now, you saw absolutely everything but one way you saw before never changed.

You loved Jungkook. You knew he would've loved you if he could've from the start. You were his soulmate, His Lilith, his reason for not being allowed to have emotions in the first place in fear of producing the Antichrist. Nothing could stop destiny, you knew this now. No matter what god took or gave to him, nothing could've stopped this. Even now as you found Jungkook holding your son's hand as he burns someone alive, this was destiny. Just like Noah's ark, god can cast out and call forth, he can teach lessons or make people forget.

So here you were, and here he was, in the middle of this burnt street. Neither of them saw you yet, but they were doing what destiny called for.

"Jungkook." You spoke his name for the very first time, catching both their attentions. 

"Mommy!" Your elated son tried to run to you but his father stopped him as he was stuck staring at you.

"You're…" his voice was almost inaudible with the roar and crack of the fires that were too big.

You unfurled your white wings from behind your back and stretched them out.

"You're home." 

"Mommyyy! Mommy back!” Your son yelled happily with a big smile on his face as he began struggling against his father and slipped out of his grasp. Your son ran the half of a block down the street and you could now see his horns were much larger now, and his eyes were black. His father screamed for him and began to run after him, telling him not to touch you.

You knelt down and let your child run into your open arms. You wrapped them around him and let him fall limp.

"I love you, everything will be okay." You told him as you picked him up and laid his body on the sidewalk. Much like a cross or holy water, your body itself could destroy anything Unholy, you were blessed from god himself, you were an angel.

"No… no! What did you do to him?! What did you do to our son?!" Jungkook screamed at you making the fire around you only burn more angrily.

"He felt nothing, God will return him to me." You stepped closer to him. "I came for you too."

"No. You're home, bring our son back and come home!" He demanded but you were no longer easily swayed.

"This isn't my home anymore, look what you've done to it." You answered calmly.

"I made this for us, I did this for you." 

You watched as blood began to leak from his eyes and mix with the water from the rain. 

"I know, I know you did. I know that there's no length you wouldn't go to for me, even your son. You mean well, you just don't understand. Just know I would go through any length for you and our family, and that's why I'm here. We both went through great lengths, we've both been through a lot, so come to me."

"You're tricking me, you're going to kill me…" he with his narrowed eyes aimed at you.

"You're in pain, Jungkook. It doesn't have to be that way. God still has time to fix this little isolated incident." 

"And hell? What happens to hell when I'm gone?" He asked. You felt he was about ready to give in, you knew it took everything in his power right now to not come to you and hold you.

"I think that's what destiny wanted all along,  no more hell. We were meant to be together Jungkook, and it's finally time. I'm not tricking you, I could never do to you what you did to me. Let's go get our daughter and son, let's be a family let's-" 

He began to walk towards you, falling to his knees at your feet and looking up at you.

"I don't know where I'll be going, but I'll follow you anywhere" you watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed nervously. "I just want you and my family, I want everything to be okay." 

You lifted your hand to his cheek as you looked down into his black eyes and brushed away the bloody tears from his cheeks only to leave red marks of your own. You had burned him with your touch, and he had flinched but didn't outwardly complain.

He stood and his face came just millimetre from yours.

"Just do it." He whispered before pressing his lips softly to yours.

You brought both of your hands up and placed them on his face and in a split second he went limp against you.

You struggled to gently lay him down on the pavement.

"I'm done. It's done. Fix it, please." You spoke out loud.

"Rest now my child. You've been through so much."

The sky began to grow brighter and brighter until it took over everything and you had to squint to see anything at all.

You were struck with the sudden urge to pee, but you were just too tired underneath your warm sheets. You groaned as you tried to go back to sleep but the feeling became almost unbearable.

You moved the blankets, sat up, and swung your legs over the bed, immediately feeling your back hurt. This action must've woken up the baby inside of you because you began to feel the heavy kicks from inside of your belly.

"I'm going, I'm going." You nagged at the unborn baby as you waddled towards the bathroom. "You better not kick me in the bladder again, girl." You warned.

When you were done you headed to the kitchen with new priorities, you smelled food. Lately just the thought of anything food related had you salivating and reaching for anything edible you could get you hands on, but that's just what being seven months pregnant did to you.

You walked through the doorway just in time to see a few pieces of scrambled egg fall onto the floor.

Your son looked down at it from the stool against the counter he stood on and so did his dad.

"Uh oh." You son said as he looked at you, holding a plate of the eggs.

"Morning darling. We're definitely not making a mess in here." Jungkook lied with a smile as you assessed the damage the boys had done to the kitchen.

"As long as you both clean it up I see no mess." You joked.

"Mommy! Breakfast!" Your son held the plate up proudly, spilling more eggs onto the floor, lucky Jungkook decided to take the plate away from the tiny little version of himself before picking him up with the other arm.

"Tell mommy good morning!" He placed the plate on the table before bringing your son over on his hip. Jungkook knew it was hard for you to bend over now a days.

Your son gave you a wet kiss on your cheek before his father knelt down with him.

"What about baby sister?" His father asked him.

The boy was careful as he gave your belly a hug and pat and told it good morning.

"Morning." Jungkook gave you a quick kiss on your lips before wrapping his arms around you.

"We missed you." He whispered into your ear. "You slept in late, must almost be time for her." He let you go so you could all sit at the table.

"I'm excited, but dreading having to through giving birth a second time. We missed church again because of me, didn't we?" 

"Father Namjoon understands you're too pregnant to function at the moment." He jokingly assured you. "I'm excited for her to get here already. I'll be right there with you, and little bub gets to spend time with his grandma. It's all planned out and you have nothing to worry about. Oh, by the way, I finished putting the crib up in the nursery finally." Even as he spoke about mundane things, there was a sparkle in his soft brown eyes as he looked at you, there were so wide with excitement and wonder, a trait he passed to your son. You would never get enough of him, you hadn't been able too since you met in grade school. You even found yourself missing him deeply to the point of tears during college. When you saw him again one night at a bar, the two of you just couldn't help it. You were confident that was the night you made your son together. You were once again inseparable as inseparable gets. He just stayed over every night after that night, which was good because you didn't want him to leave anyway. You were married just three months after that night at the bar. He wanted everything you wanted, he was the man you had always dreamed of, you had never loved any other person the way you did him. You had always had a connection with him, one you felt went far beyond when you met him as a little wide eyed boy asking to be friends. You knew, both of you did, that you were soulmates.You had always had been and always would be, in this life, whatever lives came before this, and in the next.

[yarrowleef]

ok AVoS done. Shattered Sky is a book I remember being legitimately really into, but yeah, as is common opinion, the last three books really drop off and severely blur together (and boy Briarlight’s death was upsettingly pointless) BUT w/e I’m just listening to the audio books on hyper speed while playing pokemon so it’s not that bad

but i gotta say, actually first hand watching all the skyclan stuff go down is just making me feel even more vindicated in my old posts ranting about how much i dislike SkyClan coming to the lakes (and in my decision to just have them reject starclan and go live in the mountains in my fic lmao). Like i guess I’m supposed to disagree with Leafstar but she’s literally just right in her initial arguments, they have little to nothing to gain by staying there.  Or Rather, whatever benefits you might occasionally get from your neighbors helping during rare catastrophes (benefits most rival leaders would probably make you 'owe' them for later) do NOT outweigh the constant aggression from living border to border with those clowns. Especially when its a given that the clans will never help each other with more common life threatening problems like they wont share prey during famines and its often pulling teeth to share herbs. Leafstar was literally just right!! They simply had unfortunate timing. The main argument for returning is essentially just...Well god threatened to kill us if we went against their wishes so. that's super normal 😂

I love StarClan "we cant be clear or offer help because then we'd be taking away the clans independance!!" and also "what do you mean you're making an independent decision about where you want to live, i s2g we will harass every cat in earshot and threaten to drown you if you dont listen to us" (ok its unclear if starclan actually caused that storm, i think they have shown to have some influence over weather before and its timing was very precise, but if not they still forsaw it and used it to their advantage to make the living cats think they were being punished for disobeying starclans baseless wishes, so same difference imo. we love the cat cults)

recently I read through Shadowstar’s Life and was really surprised to see that apparently SkyClan’s old territory was already being marked for destruction by twolegs during Skystar’s time?? I know the clans all have to go through at least one or two whole other leaders to get to the ones in control when SkyClan was driven out, but...idk clearly it didn’t take that long. Leader’s can die fast. Which may imply SkyClan was literally apart from the other clans for far far longer then they were ever beside them. For like 80% of the clans total existence, SkyClan hasn’t been there. 

Anyway, i'm just saying, at least twice now skyclan leaders have strongly felt that they would be better off maintaining their home in the gorge only to be bullied into going back to the other clans (Leafstar for one, and also in a prologue scene I believe Cloudstar and his medicine cat were watching SkyClan and suggested they should go home to the gorge now that it was safe, then CLEAR SKY pressured them into reluctantly agreeing that they had to go to the lake with the other clans, and...y’know he’s their founder, its hard to argue with him. He didn’t counter their arguments, just gave them the "they MUST be together!!" line)

You know what, I think SkyClan is just Clear Sky’s vanity project and he’s kicking up a massive tantrum about it in StarClan. It's hard to feel special when you dont have other clans to compare yourself to, so he's continuing his life long tradition of putting his insecurity and ideals over the actual wellbeing of his clan, and u know what at least no one can fault him for consistency. So being a bunch of cats that haven’t gotten any wiser since dying (as is StarClan tradition), Gray Wing pressures everyone into feeling bad for his brother, and they cave because 1: Clear Sky is just so annoying that it's easier to repeatedly pacify him rather then tell him to shut up, and 2: the entire cast of Dawn of the Clans collectively have the moral back bone of a chocolate éclair. That’s why they won’t let SkyClan leave

[jeyramarie]

Mr. & Mrs. Holland- (Mob! Tom Holland x Mob! Reader) part 4

summary: sometimes the price to pay is the worst consequence 

warning: kidnapping, torturing, blood, cursing 

w/c: 2,907

a/n: i had this idea so long ago and seeing it written it’s absolutely amazing. i hope you guys like it! happy reading everyone 🦋

prologue~ part 1~ part 2~ part 3~

After Tom hung up, he quickly got dressed. 

“Babe, what happened?” she asked leaning over the bed to grab her underwear. 

“James.. he is dead.” he said, poking his head out of the closet, seeing her face of shock. 

“Um.. how? w-why?” she stuttered, running her hand through her hair. 

“Darling, i don’t know but i have to go over there.” Y/n was still in shock, how can someone she just saw earlier in the day was found dead. Her thoughts were cut short when Tom came out of the closet and gave her a kiss. 

“I’m gonna figure this out, okay? I’ll call you. I love you.” Tom said and left for the hotel leaving Y/n alone in bed, worried to death. She spent the whole day at home, waiting for Tom to call. Y/n wasn’t gonna stay inside the rest of the day bored to hell. So of course, she kept herself busy. She painted and played the piano in a small library Tom had made for her. She was writing a song for her husband which was quite hard. The melody didn’t sound as soothing as she wanted to. At the end of the night, she was drinking tea on her bed while watching tv when her phone finally rang. It was Tom. 

“Babe?” 

“Hey, darling.” 

“How are you? Are you okay? Is everything okay?” 

“Honey, calm down. I’m fine. I just got caught up, I’m sorry I didn’t call.” he chuckled making Y/n let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

“No, it’s fine. I’m just glad you’re okay. I was literally going crazy.” 

“I’m sorry love, it’s just pretty hectic over here.” 

“It’s alright. Are you on your way home?” she asked, feeling hopeful and bit her lip. 

“Actually, love. I wanted to talk about that.” Y/n stayed quiet waiting for him to continue, immediately feeling upset. 

“I have to leave for a few… have to go to Washington.” 

“Why?” she whispered sadly making him frown too. 

“Some business issues, darling. Just gonna go check it out, see what’s going on.” 

“Can’t Harrison go and handle it?” she asked as she ran her finger around the teacup. 

“Not this time. They need my signature to prove Haz is not lying. You know us mobsters have serious trust issues.” 

“How long are you gonna be away?” 

“Like three days.” 

“Do you have clothes?” that made Tom smile, loving how she worries all the time. 

“Yes, I do.”

“And your toothbrush?” she smiled as his laugh filled her ears. 

“Yes, my love. I have everything.” 

“Okay, then.” she said softly as she fidgeted with the blanket. 

“I have to go, baby. I’ll call you in the morning.” 

“Okay, goodnight. I love you.” 

“I love you too, princess. ‘Night.” they hung up and Tom went back to work while Y/n’s eyes teared up. It was gonna be a peaceful nice so she felt the sudden need to do something she’s never done and was slightly scared to do. She just needed to be alone right now. Y/n got out of bed and put on her silk robe, going downstairs to talk to William. He was sitting on the kitchen stool drinking coffee with Susan, the maid. 

“William.” she said softly not wanting to startle anyone. He heard his boss and quickly stood up from the stool, turning to her. 

“Gather everyone around, please.” she turned around and left to the main entrance leaving William and Susan all confused. Wondering what she was going to say. A few minutes went by and all her employees from the house gathered in front of her. 

“Hello, everyone. I don’t know if you know but Tom is gonna be away on a business trip for the next three days. You all can go home today, to your family. Take the rest of the day off. I’ll see everyone tomorrow.” she smiled as her employees smiled too. They all said thank you and spread out to grab their belongings. She turned to William who was still standing there, not moving an inch. 

“William, you can go home.” 

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t leave. I don’t want to.” 

“Thank you. You can sleep in the guest room.” she said as she walked upstairs to her room to try and get some sleep. 

The clock read 3:30 am when Y/n woke up abruptly from a slamming door. ‘It must be William.’ she thought as she suddenly felt really thirsty. She walked out of her room and made her way to the kitchen. The whole house was dark, only lights that were reflected inside were the ones from the pool. She opened the fridge to get some water and when she closed she saw a figure next to her making her gasp. The jug of water crashed on the ground, covering the floor in broken glass. As she stepped backwards, trying to get anyway from the intruder, her back met a strong broad chest. The man quickly wrapped his arms around her, holding her in place as she kicked around trying to get out of his grasp. Y/n was about to scream for help when the person in front of her quickly covered her mouth. 

“Where’s the chip?” the person asked as she struggled against the strong grip around her. Y/n shook her head making the person roll her eyes. 

“Check the whole house! Now!” he screamed and a bunch of people walked in, beginning to trash the whole place. Flipping tables and furniture, breaking bases, mirrors, picture frames, everything. The man behind Y/n kept a strong grip around her with one arm and covered her mouth with his other hand, making her see how they destroyed everything. She kept screaming into the man’s hand and moved her body abruptly to get out his grasp. 

Suddenly, people started walking down the stairs holding William at gunpoint while his hands were up in surrender. He was about to say something when one of the men hit him in the back of the head with the barrel of the gun, leaving him passed out on the floor which caused Y/n to scream into the hand. 

“You’re gonna wish you’d never taken that information.” and with that he punched her so hard that she fell unconscious onto the man’s arms that were still wrapped around her. 

‘Ugh, what a massive headache.’ Y/n thought immediately when she started waking up, thinking that everything from the night before was a dream. She was hoping she would wake up in her bed, nexto to her husband but it wasn’t like that. Once she opened her eyes, she felt immense fear from her surroundings. She was tied up to a chair with duct tape over her mouth and she was in some kind of basement. After what felt like hours of her trying to break free from the ties, the door behind her opened letting a man walk in. 

“Well, hello there. You finally woke up.” a familiar voice said she struggled against her restraints feeling immediate fear. 

“It’s a pleasure to have you here.. Mrs. Holland.” the man said finally standing in front of her causing her to lift her head slowly. Her eyes went wide when she saw who it was. Which made her pull against the restraints even harder, needing to get away. It was Adam. The same Adam that was spying on her and her husband, the same Adam that probably killed James. He laughed at her fear as he ripped the duct tape off her mouth making her groan in pain. 

“Now, let’s talk. Shall we?” he said as he placed a chair in front of her and sat down. 

(Washington…)

All the way in Washington, Tom was having dinner with a couple mob friends when Harrison’s phone ran. He saw it was William calling which made him answer immediately, knowing something bad must be happening.

“William, everything alright?” 

“Haz, he took her. He took Y/n.” he grunted getting up from the floor feeling immense pain on his head. Harrison’s eyes went wide quickly turning around so his boss wouldn't hear.

“Who took her, William? What the fuck happened?” he whispered aggressively running his hand through his hair. 

“Adam… he came here, trashed the whole place. He came looking for the stupid chip.” 

“Where the fuck was everyone? That house is supposed to be surrounded 24/7.”

“Mate, I know that. Y/n sent them all home for the night.”

“Why the fuck- okay, thank you William. I’ll call you later, after I tell Tom.” he whispered not wanting his boss to hear. 

“Alright. I’m sorry, mate.” Harrison hung up and turned to see the men laughing, Tom all smiley with no worries. It pained him to be the one to ruin that but he had to say something. Y/n’s life was on the line. With all his courage, he walked towards Tom and leaned getting close to his ear.

“William called. It’s about Y/n.” he whispered then stepped back making Tom turn to him and give him a questionable look. He excused himself from the table and walked over to Haz, pulling him towards the hall of the restaurant.

“What about Y/n?” Tom asked angrily with a clenched jaw.

“Adam showed up at the house.” Harrison saw how he wanted to interrupt so he held his hand up to shut Tom up.

“He went looking for the chip, trashed the whole place and took Y/n. I asked William where everyone was and he told me that she had sent them all home for the night.” Tom stayed silent for a while, feeling anger course through his body like wildfire. All he replayed in his head was ‘took Y/n’. 

“Let’s go back to New York. Now.” he said angrily and stomped outside of the restaurant, getting into the car with Harrison behind him. Tom couldn’t take Y/n out of his mind. Thinking how scared she might’ve been, how he wasn’t there for her, everything was eating him alive. He bounced his leg up and down the whole way, feeling nervous and worried and angry all at the same time. All he wanted was to be with his wife, to keep her safe and he wont till he gets her back. 

(New York…)

She huffed as another punch hit her cheekbone causing it to open. Adam has been torturing her for what felt like hours. He hit her in the face, her torso, even on the side of her head. All his rage went out on every punch he gave. 

“No one is gonna fucking steal from me again. Specially stupid ass women like you.” he said with gritted teeth, punching her in the corner of her mouth making her cough and spit out blood. 

“Didn’t your mom ever teach you to not hit girls?” Y/n mumbled with her head hanging low, feeling dizzy from all the fist to face contact. He laughed dryly and yanked her head back by her hair making her wince in pain. 

“She did.. but she also told me to defend myself and you’re a slimy little bitch.” he said with gritted teeth as his grip on her hair got tighter making her shout in pain. Adam let go of his grip pushing her head forward. He was about to punch her again when he’s phone started ringing. One of his men gave him the phone which made him smile devilishly once he saw the caller id. He took the gun from the back of his pants and pointed it at Y/n as he answered the fun.

“Hey, Tommy.” her eyes went wide when she heard her husband’s name and started pulling on the restraints. 

“Tom!” she shouted causing Adam’s employee to stand up and cover her mouth. Of course, she continued shouting Tom’s name over and over again. Until she had enough of being silenced and bit the guys hand making him scream and take it away. 

“Tom! Please let me talk to him, Adam. Please, I need to talk to him.” Y/n begged on the verge of crying. He laughed and placed his phone on her ear. 

“Y/n?”

“Tom, baby-“ 

“Are you hurt? Do you know where you are?” 

“Baby..” she whispered as she started to cry.

“Tom, I’m scared.” she muttered feeling ashamed and disappointed in herself. 

“I’m gonna find you, okay? Try to give me a coded message, baby. Just try, please.” She started looking around, trying to look for something familiar that Tom would notice but all she saw was Adam and his men staring at her. 

“I-I can’t. There’s nothing- I can’t.” Tom was about to answer when Adam came and ripped off the phone from her ear. 

“I’m sure you guys had a nice conversation.” 

“If you dare fucking touch her, I’ll find you and cut you in tiny little pieces.” Tom said with gritted teeth. 

“Oh well, Tommy you might have to sharpen your knife then.” He quickly hung up the phone before Tom could start talking. 

(Tom’s private jet..) 

The mob boss threw his phone on the floor as he stood up and walked back and forth in anxiousness. He ran his hand through his hair, only thinking about his wife. 

“He fucking touched her, Harrison. He… fuck!” Tom screamed with gritted teeth only wanting to kill Adam over and over again. 

The plane finally landed and they drove quickly to the house. William was waiting outside with a bruise eye and a sling holding his right arm. The car came to a stop and both men stepped out quickly walking towards the man who was scared. 

“Mr. Holland, I’m so sorry. She sent everyone home but I decided to stay to look after her and then they came in and just-“ 

“William, breath.” Tom said, interrupting his rambling. 

“I’m so sorry. I- I couldn’t do anything.” 

“It’s not your fault, William. Do you have any idea on where she might be?” he asked, walking into the house with the men behind him, going into the kitchen. 

“Of course, I thought about the hotel. His house too or maybe James’ house. She can be anywhere by now.” Tom stayed silent rubbing his chin in deep thought. 

“We should go to the hotel an-”

“Wait, didn’t you put a tracker on James’ car?” Harrison interrupted leaning against the counter. 

“Did you ever check it, boss?” William asked, turning to him waiting for an answer. 

“Not really.. James was found dead that day. Never got the chance.” he said softly as he stood up to get his laptop. He turned it on and began typing away, looking for the current location of the vehicle. It was at Le Royale, where James was last seen before he got murdered. 

“I wonder why he went back there..” William said walking away to get some water. Tom quickly thought about the chip Y/n had. 

“Will, does the chip have access to the security cameras?” 

“Yeah, I think so.”

“We have to find it, right now.” and with that, they all spread out around the house. They went into every room and checked every closet and drawer. Tom finally made it to his bedroom that stayed as Y/n left it. Bed undone, her clothes on the floor, the smell of sex still in the room and her purse wide open on the dresser, next to her laptop. He ran and grabbed it, then ran downstairs to call the guys. 

“I got it!” he shouted as he got closer to the computer, immediately plugging it into the device. Tom sat there again, typing and typing, trying to pull up the footage of James in Adam’s office. He was thinking about this for some time. Finding proof that Adam killed James, sending it to the police anonymously and following them when they went to look for him at his home. That way he could find Y/n. His thoughts quickly changed, ‘That would take too long.’ he thought quickly stepping away from the computer. William and Harrison looked at each other in confusion wondering why he would just stop. 

“I have to call him.” Tom mumbled standing up from his chair and pulling out his phone, quickly dialing Adam’s number. 

“Hello?”

“What do you want?” he asked angrily as the man laughed. 

“What do I- oh Tommy. It’s not that easy.” he said as he watched Y/n get her head dunked in water repeatedly, not giving her time to breath. 

“I’ll give you anything. Just tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you just… just please give me Y/n.” Adam stayed quiet for a bit as she gasped for air once her head was out of the water. 

“Give me my chip back and we’ll schedule a place.” Adam said, holding his hand up, signalling his stop the turtering. He then hung up and walked towards Y/n who was still gasping for air. Tom put his phone back into his pocket and made his way to the boys who were still on the computer. 

“Adam wants the chip.” he said, breaking the guys’ trance.

“I’m gonna give it to him-”

“But Tom-” Harrison started interrupting him out of shock. 

“I’ll give it to him empty.”

mr&mrs.h: @ilovefandoms102 @themaddies-obx @guillerminacaba @teenwishes08 @runawayolives @theartisticqueen @quacksonlover81 @wonderfulfluffer @spidernerdsblog @nerdy-collector-festival

[kaz11283]

“That’s a shiity piece of news” with Loki pretty please 🥺 love you 💕

That's a Shity Piece of News

Characters: Loki (my main man 😄),Tony

(Loki x you)

Warning: very slight angst, humor

Summary: you had be kidnapped on your way back to the compound from spending the day out with some of your friends, Tony start stressin. But not one god of mischief.

Announcement: awww I love you too dear! Thank you for the request. It keeps my mind busy! I have been enjoying these request so so very much they have widened my skills so very much and everyone that had requested them thank you thank you thank you! I have one other request that I have to work on after this and then I have GOT to work some more on my series Fire and Ice! But I will still be taking requests also it just might take me longer to do them 💚💚💚💚💚

Loki MasterList

~~~~

"Loki have you seen y/n, she was suppose to be back by now." Tony asked walking into the living room where Loki was reading.

"I think I remember her saying she was going to spend the day out with 'some nonsuperheros' today." He stated turning the page.

"And she just left unattended? Shes suppose to at least check in or take someone with her." He sighed.

"She asked if I wanted to join her." He turned another page.

"And you didnt go?" Tony started to sound annoyed.

"Oh gods no, last place I wanna be is with a group of gossiping girls... Or the mall. Tony, she is a very well trained assassin. She is more than capable of taking care of her self." He saod closing the book and facing Tony. "Besides everyone else gets to come and go as they please why not her?"

"I'll just call Parker, I'm sure he wont mind dropping in on her." He walked out, Loki roled his eyes and went back to his book. Loki looked down to his phone that started ringing.

"Look, thats her now." He answered picking up on the third ring. "Hello my love."

"We have your precious love." The male voice said over the phone.

"Oh, thats a shity piece of news." Loki responded.

"Whys that god of lies and mischief? Dont know what to do wothout your darling fiancé? Its about to get worst for you and your precious Avenger friends if you dont meet my demands." Loki could just imagine the shit eatting grin on this creeps face. By this time he had put the phone on speaker so that Tony could here what was going on.

"No, no. I'm not very worried about her. You on the other hand, she can get quite rough in hand to hand. Take up for her self, you know the whole spill. But I will warn you now, if one single hairnis out of place on that head of hers I will remove your head from your shoulders... With my bare hands." His voice held a darker tone to it, more threatening, more sinister. Tony was going crazy, trying to pull up locations to were the vehicle was heading and what it looked like. He was glad that he had made you take one of the Stark phones now no matter how much you had fought him on it.

"Ahhh, so now your the one thats threatening someone? See that-" The other end of the line suddenly went quiet except for the few grunts and sounds of fist hitting skin, Loki turned rasing an eyebrow at Tony as if saying I told you so.

"Loki?" Your voice came over the phone. Tony sighed in relief.

"Yes my pet?" Loki answered you. Tony flopped down on the couch trying to catch his breath.

"I just wanted one day." You sighed, he heard you opening the back door to the vehicle you were in.

"I know, love." He responded walking to yours and his shared room so that he could get you a bath ready.

"One day to not be a superhero, one day to just be a normal girl spending a normal day out with normal friends."

"Y/n, you know better than anyone thats to good to be true. We dont get to live the happily ever after like most people do." His voice soothing over the phone.

"It wouldn't hurt to be normal though with a normal life. For Christ sakes, I just took out three men, I am a deadly weapon, I even have a boyfriend that shoots green magic from his hands." You chuckled.

"Ouch, darling, you wound me." He laughed. "I do alot more than just shoot green magic from my hands. Im amazing with my daggars, I am the god of mischief and lies. And not to mention my style is absolutly amazing."

"Loki, you know what I mean." You answered hanging up as you entered the compound. You looked into the living room where Tony was still sitting, he gave you a thumbs up before shooing you away.

"These kids, all these kids are going to be the death of me." He sighed to no one rubbing the bridge of his nose.

You walked into your room kicking off your shows and following the sound of running water. "And I do stuff like this. Tell me pet, would a midguardian boy do this for you?"

Loki was sitting in the tube with candles around and just enough bubbles, you couldnt help but stare at the sight in front of you before twking off the remainder of your clothes.

"Yeah they would but indont think they would look half as amazing as you do." You said slipping intonthe warn water and letting him massage your shoulders.

"We're not normal by any means y/n. Thats something that you will have to learn to accept like it or not. But think about it this way, if you had gotten lucky enough to be normal we would have never met, you wouldn't be living in this amazing place, you wouldn't have friends like Nat or Clint, but most impotantly you wouldn't be saving people. Midgurad needs you as well as the others, its not school book normal but it is our normal. Living with two geniuses, one that turns green, two gods, super soldiers, assassins, an archer. I wouldnt have it any other way honestly." He said pulling you closer to him.

"I thought you hated it here." You laughed turning back to face him. You met his emerald green eyes that seemed to look into your soul.

"You made me learn to love it here, just don't tell the others." He laughed leaning in and kissing you.

~~~~~

Announcement 2: not as good or as funny toward the end as I was hoping. This was one that i kind of struggled through from start to finish and I am honestly not very satisfied with it but to each their own. Thank you guys for the love, the reblogs, the likes, and the support!!!! If you have and request that you would like to submit my asks and messages are always open!!!

Tag list:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

[spookydrreid]

Can you please write some fluff where spencer helps reader quit smoking today is my first day of quitting and I need this so bad!

HI! I just want you to know that I am so proud of you for quitting! It wont be easy, but it’ll be worth it ❤️❤️❤️❤️ ---------------------------------------------------------- “Six minutes.”

You jumped, lighter falling from your hands at the sound of your husband. Spencer Reid hated smoking but he loved you. So much so that he’s tried just about everything in the book to get you to stop. From giving facts to buying you gums and patches. He’s tried it all. And so haven’t you.

“Jesus Christ, Spencer,” you gasped as you bent down to grab the fallen lighter. “You really can't be sneaking up on me like that.” You waved the lighter at him as you stood.

He shook his head, fluffy curls moving with him, “I wouldn’t have scared you if you weren't so focused on lighting this death trap.” He plucked it from between your lips, throwing it to the ground and crushing it with the toe of his shoe.

“That was my last one, Spencer!” You’d promised one more and then that was it. One more and then never again. And it wasn't so much that he didn't believe you, he just didn't want it to be one more. Because one more turns into two more. And then three. And then four.

“Exactly. Six more minutes I get to spend with you.” he shot you a smile and it was hard to stay mad when he smiled at you like that.

You shrugged, trying to keep the smile from your lips. He pulled you in, his strong arms holding you to his chest, “we’re going to do this together. It doesn't have to be an ‘only y/n’ thing.”

You stared up at him, a small pout on your face. “Even when I’m really cranky and call you a douche canoe?”

He leaned down, kissing you gently before saying, “even when you’re really cranky and call me a douche canoe, I’ll still love you the same.”

Month One:

The first week was the hardest.

Every little thing stressed you out, you snapped at your co-workers more times than you’ll ever admit, and you even cried a few hundred times.

And then there was Spencer. Your beautiful, helpful, loving, stupidly smart husband. The man you promised forever to in front of all your closest friends and families. Let’s just say he got almost a book or two whipped at his head.

Because see, the thing is, your husband doesn't know when to shut the actual fuck up. And on any normal day, you found it overly endearing but on that day you just wanted to kick him out of the house.

“But then Emily was mad because I made her turn around. But a magician never reveals his secrets and she was kind of aggravated but I didn't care. She wanted to see the magic trick and even though it was physics-”

You turned, frustration clear in your features, “Spencer Walter Reid if you don't shut the actual fuck up I will divorce you. Stop. Fucking. Talking.” And of course, you didn't mean it, but he really wasn't shutting up. Spencer stopped in his tracks, his mouth hanging. He looked like he was about to cry and the guilt ate its way into the deepest parts of you.

“I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” His bottom lip quivered as he brushed past you, walking to your shared bedroom and closing the door.

You followed, knocking on the door lightly before entering. Spencer sat in the middle of the bed, legs crossed and his fingers gripping the roots of his hair. The guilt swallowing you, “Spence?”

He hummed, clearly trying to not make you madder. “I- I didn't mean that, Spencer. I’m sorry. That was - that was incredibly insensitive of me. I’m sorry. I would never divorce you. Ever.” By then you'd crawled into your bed, pulling him into you and running your fingers through his hair.

“Promise?”

“Promise. I love you, Spence.”

Month Three:

By the third month you were much less cranky, the cravings practically non-existent. You’d made it a point to not snap at Spencer, being more considerate with your words. Sure, you’d be grouchy here and there but nothing like the fight from month one.

Spencer was good with distracting you. He’d make sure that instead of smoking, you had something to occupy your mouth. He didn't want you biting your nails so he bought you a small teething ring. Like the ones babies use.

At first, you didn't think it would work. But then, you were having a particularly stressful week and were craving one horribly. You took the ring out, chewing on it lightly. And to your surprise, it fucking worked.

You sent him a text: You sly mother fucker, the teether worked! I love you and your big, beautiful brain so fucking much.

And it wasn't long before he answered: I’m glad it helped. I love you and your big, beautiful brain too.

Month Six:

By the sixth month, summer had started. The sun was warm, the days were long, and the serial killers seemed to have decided to take a break. You finished packing the cooler to keep the drinks and sandwiches cold.

You weren't sure how you did it, but somehow you managed to convince Spencer to go to the beach with the rest of the team. Even though you didn't work with Spencer, the team accepted you as their own.

“Babe?! We need to stop for ice! Are you almost ready!” You called out to Spencer. You heard his steps coming out of your bedroom and you had to swallow down the giggle when you saw him. Spencer was pale white in sunscreen that wasn't rubbed in.

“You need to put sunscreen on before we go, missy.” He said as he went to put on a t-shirt.

“Woah! Slow down, mister! We need to rub that in first.” You moved next to him and started rubbing in the globs of lotion on his body.

“Is it bad that this is turning me on?” He asked once you reached -- or barely because he's a fucking giant -- his back.

You giggled, “no, Spencer. I can only hope to turn you on forever.”

Now it was his turn to laugh, “happy six months of not smoking! I’m enjoying the knowledge of all the extra time I'll get to spend with you.”

You felt your cheeks heat up at his confession. He’d been so supportive over the last six months. Dealing with everything that came with quitting smoking.

One Year:

“I am so excited about dinner! I’ve missed you so much.” You grasped Spencer’s free hand as he drove you and him to dinner.

A year ago you quit smoking and Spencer felt it was an anniversary that needed to be celebrated. He was worried he wasn't going to be here, serial killers kept him away from you for the past month. But you got lucky and he was sitting beside you.

“I’ve missed you too, babe. I’m so glad the killers had listened to my speech. I said ‘I have to be home for this anniversary or I will be dead’ and look where we are!” He looked towards you quickly before he turned back to the road.

By now, the cravings were gone. They popped up here and there in extremely stressful situations but, by now, you’d learn how to cope. You’d eat something, chew some gum, or bite the teether. Your appetite was fully back and the whites of your eyes were white once more. You weren't freezing all the time from going outside to smoke. And your car and clothes no longer smelt like stale cigarettes. Life was good. Great actually.

You’d started exercising, your lungs working so much better since you’d stopped smoking. Now, it was easier to keep up with your long-legged husband. You could carry more without being winded. And walking upstairs was so much easier. Now, even the smell of someone else smoking made you nauseous.

Spencer parked the car, rushing over to your side to help you out. He tangled his fingers in yours, his thumb rubbing over the back of your hand. He seemed nervous, but you’d just wrote it off of the crowd. But when you entered the restaurant, you found it empty. You looked at Spencer confused but he just kept a straight face. The host brought you to a small area where you and Spencer sat over a candle.

“D-did you do this?” You asked him.

“Just wait.” He said with a smirk before yelling, “Okay guys!”

Out came every one from wherever they were hiding. His entire team was there, some people from your work, your family (which he flew in himself), his mother, and even Hotch and Jack. Your lip quivered and your eyes filled with tears.

“Wha- Spencer. You didn't have to do this.” You cried as he pulled you into a hug.

“I just feel that this is big. You have tried and tried for years and you actually did it this time. I just wanted to show you that you now get all this time to spend with the most important people in your life. You deserve this, y/n.” By the end of his speech, you were practically sobbing.

Spencer was the best man anyone could have, and he was all yours. And now, you had so many more minutes to spend with him. And you’d never take them for granted. Ever.  

[medical-gal]

Death by a thousand cuts

I have been thinking about writing this for months now. Even before I decided to quit the residency at my previous job.

COVID has been kicking our ass, true, but that was (is) true for most healthcare providers all around the world.

No, my struggle started a bit before that actually.

First some background, I have been working at one of the biggest most famous ID clinics in central Europe. The clinic is in a different country than I am originally from so there was a bit of cultural accommodating at the begging. But we were a big group of ID interns/residents/fellows and specialists.

I don't actually remember that much from my first year working there. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I read in some study that when u experience a high dose of stress and/or sleep deprivation for a long time, your brain kinda stopps being able to transcribe short term memory into a long term.

I was working 100hours/week, sometimes less, sometimes more. After a year and a half, when the last half I worked in the ID ER for five months, I always stayed after working 24 hours, sometimes over 36hours, and I would see and treat 70ish patients. Nobody from the older docs would help me out, nobody from other interns either bc usually they would have their own kind of hell to take care of.

The fact that basically, inexperienced doctors are taking care of patients never really phased my ex-boss. Her mantra was that if there was a problem that you cannot resolve, you can call her and she would advise you. Which most of the time was true, I must say that.

But we all have been young docs, barely out of our medical school garments, and sometimes as it happened, we could not recognize there IS a problem that maybe needs a more experienced opinion.

I am often confronted with this idea or more like a culture, of pretending that once you are an MD you don't need help and asking for it is a kind of weakness and that then you are forever on the list of WEAKLINGS.

And let me say this only once.

That's absolute bullshit.

Anyway, the first time I decided to quit I worked there for about a year and a half, I went for a long-expected holiday, I took three weeks off, had interviews and talked with my bf about my options.

Second thing...my man, bless his beard, would support me no matter what. He is almost 10 years older than me, so he has more work experience and I find it reassuring to discuss stuff like this with him bc I know he will not sugarcoat it. He said that I should dig my heels in and last at least one more year till the end of my "internship". As a "resident" who worked at this specific department, I wouldn't have a problem finding another job. We r basically the equivalent of a french legion of medical professionals (when u work in this specific department and everyone knows it, I will come back to that later).

So I took his advice. Thankfully as a part of our training, one of those parts is a year-long internship at the internal medicine department, which I did shortly after we had that conversation and guys, that was a revelation of how medicine and just...work and life can be experienced. There were enough docs for a floor, an attending who had the time to manage and advise us. I´ve grown that year as a doc so much. Other internships were mandatory so I could have become (equivalent of) a resident, and it was a general surgery, anesthesiology, radiology, microbiology etc. But I did them all and became a resident.

The moment I came back to our clinic, my boss would put me in our outpatient department. Which I have never worked on before. The head of the department has quit a few months before, and I had no idea what to do there, bc it's a very different type work. The only thing my boss told me when I spoke of my concerns were "you will learn".

Thankfully the previous head of the department was a good friend of mine and she would always answer my questions and requests. Suddenly I no longer had to deal with the hectic life of an ID floor or ER, no sepsis, meningitis, etc.

Most of my patients were the chronic type...Lyme, chlamydia, mycoplasma... let's say it literally drained the life out of me. But I managed. Also, I started to work for their outpatient office which takes care of patients with chronic hepatatis. That I enjoyed more.

I also started to dip my toes in vaccinology, either planned like for travel but I started to be more interested in preventive care in the immunocompromised and my own phantasmagoria was to make a palliative care team in our hospital. Bc, we had none. And then a wonderful thing happened, other docs, older experienced, great at their work, started to refer their patients to me specifically.

There were more examples of the utter a complete FUCK U(s) which were kindly provided either by the system or by the head of the department or the hospital.

Then covid hit and the shit hit the interstellar space.

I still can't make myself remember the first few months bc it actually causes me to go into a rage fit, and honestly, I am done with that kind of negativity.

I hold out for a year. Year of such shitty treatment from the chief and our hospital head. No thank you- s or you are doing a good job or we r all on the same ship.

No.

People will say that I quit bc of the money. And that's not true, tho it did irk me a bit. All the other ID specialists working at different hospitals would get covid bonuses every month. We got jack shit. Again, the best biggest most know ID clinic. We were the first and oftern the ONLY ones who would test for/diagnose/hospitalize/treat a patient who had covid FOR MONTHS in the beginning.

I mean, the medical community is small, the ID community even smaller so yes, we were able to compare and contrast the work at different ID departments in other hospitals bc our friends worked there. And all of them would go speechless when they would hear from us what we were living thru.

At one point at the beginning of the pandemic, ALL the ambulances would go thru our ER department and we were supposed to decide where the patient should go.

AN EXAMPLE

Ambulance with a woman who has known colon cancer, had a fever, stomach as a rock and is projectile vomiting. I was supposed to decide where she should go and the surgeon would be super pissed when I said that I don't think she has COVID but without PCR I can't be sure but I think there is a bigger pressing issue. I remember him saying:

"well if anyone else gets infected at our department and dies, it's on you."

fun.

There were other examples of seriously stressful episodes which I and my coworkers lived thru, for which we were not trained for, advised, or properly supervised. At a certain point, I started to take anxiolytics before and during my all-nighters bc I didn't know what I would do with all that stress which was so callously shat on me and my coworkers.

For a few months, I stopped working nights, only thru the mercy of my coworkers who saw how exhausted I was and would take my shifts.

Anyway, after only two months I had to start working nights bc I needed the money. The basic pay for docs was just not enough without the extra from night shifts. Talk about exploiting.

The moment however when I decided to QUIT, when I was DONE, when I actually heard my heart break, was the moment at the end of the previous year. They decided to start vaccinating in our tiny small vaccination centre. Let's say a "shit storm" brewing is the light version of events that ensued.

But basically, as I was trying to discuss with my boss that we are all exhausted, that this wave is not slowing down and that throwing more work at us, the docs and nurses and other staff, who are overworked, is not a good idea,

What she basically said to me is that who says things like that is lazy and that if she can handle it everyone must be also.

The thing is..most of us were at the bring. Some would handle it with casual and calous sex, drugs (legal or not), a bottle of wine before sleep. A coworker ended up with antipsychotics.

But u know,

we were all lazy apperently.

I realized there is no way out of this other than quitting. I could not continue being so tired and sad all the time. I took two weeks off, really thought about it. Had diarrhoea and nausea for a week as I realized I will have to quit :D

On a Monday I came back, handed in my notice. Basically what she told me and how she reacted made me realized how right the decision was.

I had to stay there for another three months bc that's the law, but my mood changed significantly.

I got another job in a smaller ID department, working with amazingly kind people, but that's another story.

But that was the only interview I actually looked for and did. I, however, did get several job offers from different types of medicine. From heads of different departments in my old hospital to smaller general medicine chain offices who are looking for ID specialists, to insurance companies.

Like I said, french legion.

Or Runway and your boss is Miranda Pristley. Once u survive that, u survive anything.

But at my old work they would keep hitting you with wave after wave of passive agressive comments about how if u quit, u wont be able to find anything as"prestigious" as this.

There were many other exmaples of a shitty and questionable situations which were treated as "normal" but there is not point on getting on that rage train.

Contrary as it might seem, I am greatful I got to live thru this, good and bad, bc now I know what I am and am not willing to sacrifice for a job. No matter how much I might love it.